Search: (verb) ” try to find something by looking or otherwise seeking carefully and thoroughly”.
All my life I feel like I’ve been searching for something I cannot find.
For years I literally and physically searched. I could never settle somewhere for more thsn six months because I felt so incomplete.
After my diagnosis I turned this external searching inward and searched my soul, then I started Reiki and searched the ethereal.
I figured the closer I got to my goal of peace the less urgent the need to search would become.
Now as I stand here, at the possible point at which the end is beginning, I feel the urgency more than ever.
What have I been searching for?
I tell myself I have everything I need. I’ve never been one for material possessions, don’t get me wrong, I love my bed and roof over my head as the next guy… but they aren’t real.
Even to the extent that if all this newish talk in science is correct, they really aren’t real, but part of a massive holographic Universe, how does that help, really?
“Questioning everything already? Here, question some more like the very phone screen you are ‘touching’.
How, when you are so aware of the vast consciousness we all exist in, can you stop searching? How will I ever find what I am looking for?
How do I know I haven’t found it and then decided, unwittingly, this was not what I sought in the first instance switching and changing my request in this universal search engine, as and when it pleases me to do so?
If what I’ve suspected is true, then that is all we are here to do. Search experiences we have not had before, to help us grow. To learn about the world we exist in, to understand ourselves in relation to every aspect of it, to define each step and each soulful resurrection.
What if I am always searching for the next highest thought of myself? The next level of existence within the spiritual realm. Well, that holds more of a sense of reality to me than reality itself.
I’m so disconnected from this world, I wonder if I was ever really a part of it.
The spiritual plain though, when I walk that everything makes sense.
I often wonder, if infact suicide ideation is not in fact suicide ideation in me these days, but merely a longing to exist in either reality.. To stop the link between so I may live in one instance, rather than retain such awareness of all instances occurring simultaneously.
What if I’m not searching for anything other than my other self, my self in another time, another space, another consciousness?
Sounds crazy to some, but it’s a knowing and certainty I cannot deny.
It is the very source of mine and everyone else’s ‘gut instinct”, to me it’s just a certainty.
I only waver on these when the disorder kicks in… I know the difference these days between physically impaired thought patterns and Spiritually inspired ideas and creativity.
I don’t know, maybe I’m not searching for anything… But the only thing I’ve ever been set on is travelling, I think to find what I’m searching for.. I’ve known I would travel from such a young age.
I think I’ve said before, not much about me has changed since my youth, other than the fact that I don’t need to change my mind, and spirit, just the representation of them in reality.
I still can’t help but get stuck on wondering if I’ll ever find what, or who, or where I’m searching for if I don’t know what it is in the first place…