I get so bored of anxiety, related physical bullshit and this Disorder shit.
Like I said, I’m not giving up, I can’t afford to as far as I’m concerned, but I do wonder if I’ll ever be shot of this.
It’s not like I don’t see an end these days, but that’s an end to recovery-not an end to symptoms..what if emotional confusion is with me for ever? What if I never get access to the therapy to process these memories so I can see them and they can get out of my head.
I don’t mean this in the sense of ‘poor me-ill forever”, I just mean anything is possible, or not- anything can happen…or not.
I have faith in my abilities, I have faith in my direction, I just don’t have faith on that whole ‘shit happens’ front, because if life has taught me anything, shit really does just happen.
I know what I want from the future but no one can predict what tomorrow will bring.
I have been firmly reminded of that through losing friends, people close to me being diagnosed with cancer-that’s three this year-people dying and losing someone you thought you’d have in your life forever, alas, shit happens.
You can’t mope about all day being sad about it, I’m pretty much set at a default sad setting so I try to not be sad as much as I can manage.
Today? Today I have time alone. Today I am taking in the last few insane months of my somewhat sane life.
I don’t feel down, but a little regretful, I won’t dwell on this though, I dwell on little from my present life.
I want to get passed my past, so I can wholly concentrate on my present.
I’ve focused on my present a lot this year, unfortunately as therapy nears I must now spread the focus over my past, present and my future.
Now is the time to bridge the gaps…rebuilding bridges I set a light, just the wrong ones, some people don’t need access to my little island, rebuilding myself, th next level and preparing to build the next level of my life.
On with the build …