In Comparison

I’ve been thinking a lot about personal relationships recently, how there was once a time in my life not one of my relationships was a positive one, and how much that has changed.

I spent a few years basically just behind a wall of reinforced concrete, removing those from my life that were just causing damage to my world. I haven’t needed to do this for a long time, however it’s another point I slip back into occasionally, although these days it’s because I don’t want to do damage to other people’s worlds.

To be fair, I don’t know for a fact that I do, however I don’t ever want to. I understand sometimes life gets rocky, and I think I used to pull back so much (up until very recently) because despite the fact a lot of my loved ones benefit from my presence in their as much as I benefit from theirs in mine, the feeling after slipping into a negative thought pattern just makes me feel like the monster I once thought I was. I wasn’t, not at all, not perfect, but certainly not what I viewed myself to be.
I just thought I was an ugly soul that just shouldn’t be around people because I was so awful.  Man, I really did strongly dislike myself, infact no I hated myself.

I don’t hate myself anymore, I haven’t for a while. There are some things about me that I’m not so keen on, however I make sure I view both sides of the equation, like my emotions.
There are still many days I battle with my emotions, they can be so intense, ya know, I think well life world easier for me and those around if this wasn’t the case. Then on the other side of it, if my emotions were not so intense, I wouldn’t feel life like I do. I ride the highs and lows, you simply can’t have those fucking amazing feelings of elation without the shit feelings alongside them.
It used to be emotions would permanently rule my mindstate, however these days it’s more like we co – exist, in a house share. I let them have their space, they don’t try to rule me so much. Infact, they aid me a lot of the time.

It stands this way for so much as I spent a long time thinking about CPTSD symptoms and elements, I looked at them from every angle, infact I have a load of poetry I wrote in this time documenting how I did it, I must dig that out.
For example, insomnia: for a long time my nights were filled with negative thoughts, if I couldn’t sleep, I could never sleep, until I was so exhausted I was just permanently physically fucked. The hours spent in the negative thought space caused me stress, so it just built up and built up. Now, when it hits, it’s not necessarily any kinder to me, but mostly the element of stress isn’t there and I sleep every night, or morning, eventually. I changed this by focusing on the possibly positive elements, like the headspace to write. I set myself up a writing area so I could go straight to it rather than just sitting in bed. When I couldn’t sleep, I’d get up and go sit and write. This lead onto this blog, my art and all the other bits that fill my alone time. See, that too was a bonus, I love my alone time, I’m so used to my own company. Don’t get me wrong, I love being around people, however nothing rejuvenates me like getting lost, even for an hour, in my own little blue skied world. It all helps, it’s all bits I value now, so many elements of both CPTSD & OCD.

I think it’s time to instigate this move again, sitting down, weighing up pro’s and con’s, seeing how things are going at the moment properly. Thing is, it’s difficult to get the headspace needed for this. It will happen, it just needs my absolute attention otherwise I’ll be thinking about it loads, whilst not actually ever reaching any conclusions.
I think I’m just mulling over a lot, but when am I not? Usually it’s more of a scan, though, this will be a proper strip search.  Time to filter through and get rid of things that no longer serve me, or don’t do me any justice, like slipping back into thought patterns. I need to do this a long side not hating on myself, so it’ll need an objective approach, never a problem with my head, just my heart.

This is definitely a positive move, it’s definitely due.

I’ve been thinking a lot about personal relationships recently, how there was once a time in my life not one of my relationships was a positive one, and how much that has changed.

I spent a few years basically just behind a wall of reinforced concrete, removing those from my life that were just causing damage to my world. I haven’t needed to do this for a long time, however it’s another point I slip back into occasionally, although these days it’s because I don’t want to do damage to other people’s worlds.

To be fair, I don’t know for a fact that I do, however I don’t ever want to. I understand sometimes life gets rocky, and I think I used to pull back so much (up until very recently) because despite the fact a lot of my loved ones benefit from my presence in their as much as I benefit from theirs in mine, the feeling after slipping into a negative thought pattern just makes me feel like the monster I once thought I was. I wasn’t, not at all, not perfect, but certainly not what I viewed myself to be.
I just thought I was an ugly soul that just shouldn’t be around people because I was so awful.  Man, I really did strongly dislike myself, infact no I hated myself.

I don’t hate myself anymore, I haven’t for a while. There are some things about me that I’m not so keen on, however I make sure I view both sides of the equation, like my emotions.
There are still many days I battle with my emotions, they can be so intense, ya know, I think well life world easier for me and those around if this wasn’t the case. Then on the other side of it, if my emotions were not so intense, I wouldn’t feel life like I do. I ride the highs and lows, you simply can’t have those fucking amazing feelings of elation without the shit feelings alongside them.
It used to be emotions would permanently rule my mindstate, however these days it’s more like we co – exist, in a house share. I let them have their space, they don’t try to rule me so much. Infact, they aid me a lot of the time.

It stands this way for so much as I spent a long time thinking about CPTSD symptoms and elements, I looked at them from every angle, infact I have a load of poetry I wrote in this time documenting how I did it, I must dig that out.
For example, insomnia: for a long time my nights were filled with negative thoughts, if I couldn’t sleep, I could never sleep, until I was so exhausted I was just permanently physically fucked. The hours spent in the negative thought space caused me stress, so it just built up and built up. Now, when it hits, it’s not necessarily any kinder to me, but mostly the element of stress isn’t there and I sleep every night, or morning, eventually. I changed this by focusing on the possibly positive elements, like the headspace to write. I set myself up a writing area so I could go straight to it rather than just sitting in bed. When I couldn’t sleep, I’d get up and go sit and write. This lead onto this blog, my art and all the other bits that fill my alone time. See, that too was a bonus, I love my alone time, I’m so used to my own company. Don’t get me wrong, I love being around people, however nothing rejuvenates me like getting lost, even for an hour, in my own little blue skied world. It all helps, it’s all bits I value now, so many elements of both CPTSD & OCD.

I think it’s time to instigate this move again, sitting down, weighing up pro’s and con’s, seeing how things are going at the moment properly. Thing is, it’s difficult to get the headspace needed for this. It will happen, it just needs my absolute attention otherwise I’ll be thinking about it loads, whilst not actually ever reaching any conclusions.
I think I’m just mulling over a lot, but when am I not? Usually it’s more of a scan, though, this will be a proper strip search.  Time to filter through and get rid of things that no longer serve me, or don’t do me any justice, like slipping back into thought patterns. I need to do this a long side not hating on myself, so it’ll need an objective approach, never a problem with my head, just my heart.

This is definitely a positive move, it’s definitely due.

Sneaky thought patterns

The main problem with being out of trauma related cycles, is that when the old thought patterns try to sneak the fuck back in, you don’t always catch them as early as you should. I mean, I still catch them, but not straight away, and in time to just vent it out in some way.

I mean, the thing is I keep forgetting it’s October, I keep forgetting this is when it all becomes more difficult to manage, the nightmares come, the “nobody gives a fuck about me” thing, ugh, does my nut, clearly everyone in my life right now does give a major fuck about me, they all make this clear, I know this.

It’s so easy just to begin to slip back into it, luckily it’s become just as easy to pull myself out of it. I notice the patterns like, hang on one second there buddy, what do you think you’re up to? I swear it’s like when you catch someone out when they’re being naughty, and they act really fucking guilty, I’m sure my brain does that. As soon as I notice though, it releases.
The main unavoidable clue is the tension that I start to feel in my head, and the headache that seems to build around it. I realise and the tension releases. This is more to do with my breathing than anything else though. When my brain starts to switch I begin breathing from my chest again, rather than my diaphragm. As soon as I switch the breathing it’s fine. Then the need to write comes, and it all comes flowing out of me, on paper, phone tablet or wall, it’s no longer in my head.

A few years ago, I began writing from one individual notion to the next.  Instead of considering all of my present emotions, I quite often write one out at time so the things I write end up almost like a series from one moment of emotion, rarely one emotion, however.
This is very, very useful in breaking it all down into bite size chunks.

I must simply remember to monitor my own thought patterns. I mean, I do already however I’ve not had to be so on it completely, it just sorts itself out really, mostly at least.  It looks like this won’t be the case for a while, but that’s fine and probably a very good thing, as therapy is happening.
I think therapy in itself is awakening these thought patterns. I remember talking to my brother, the nice one, about this a few years back and he said that, at the end of the day, the brain will fight any changes you try to make, especially in therapy.  Shortly afterwards was my year of one on one, and let me tell you, he was right. It’s so easy to not change the brain, for the brain at least. I mean, this is something I’ve discussed with both mental health disorder sufferers and professionals that deal with them. 
This is lodged in the whole element of self care, when you’re feeling shit you’re less inclined to care for yourself properly, and therapy is just going to the doctors, how many people avoid this? Too many to mention, that I know, and I think its a mixture of not wanting to face reality, not wanting to be made to feel like your way is not right and basically not loving yourself enough to look after yourself.

My brain is gonna fight this to the death, however I will always fight harder and with absolute determination, I’ve proved this to myself, no doubt about it.

Beat polish up & assemble the arsenal then, no fucker, least of all my own sodding brain, can bring me down permanently these days and I can’t wait until therapy is done, along with those thought patterns. 10 weeks to go.

Considering the plan…

Okay so yesterday it was established that I need to have more downtime and more structure. The therapist and I agreed that we would discuss and work on this next week. I asked if there was anything I could do between now and then to help with progress, she said consider structure sensibly and think about the safe space for after reprocessing.
By stating to consider this sensibly, she explained that I must try to be realistic about how my intrusive thoughts affect me. As we established I spend most of my time in the motivation bit, which I thought was a negative point of too much distraction, but actually I only distract myself at night, and for good reason.
Every day there is something done, in one form, many forms, varying forms, on a positive note to long term recovery, dealing with OCD & progressing the status quo.
Night time, however, is when I benefit most from my creativity, it is a healthy distraction, even then it’s not just a distraction but a point of productivity.  See the thing is, is my brain gets tired, and my body doesn’t catch up. Now I can write poetry when I’m tired, infact some of the best bits I’ve ever written were in the heights of sleep deprivation. There was a time, not so long ago, I was afraid I’d lose elements of creativity as I grew well, but it was never that. I knew it to be a distraction, but it’s also a point of the whole self soothing thing, and motivation.
Writing fired up poetry motivates me, it always has, and creating art motivates me, these are both in all areas of life. Quite often these will be the times I realise my next move on a point in my life, because those moments free up the brain power taken up by not only having intrusive thoughts, but not hiding them away so they return much stronger and more prominent.
At night when the brain is tired and the body is not, or indeed vise versa the intrusive thoughts have a chance to drag me down. As we established the main reason I’m no longer in the negative cycles is because I practiced not being essentially strengthening those neural pathways, I created a habit.
It occurs to me that whilst attempting to retain routine, at night when the thoughts begin to overtake it’s me spending more time in a kind of negative (not negative like it used to be, more sad than anything else) headspace, that’s me, practicing being negative, that’s hardly a good thing, surely?
I think I’m just gonna have to write all this shit down and ask about it next week. There’s no point in me planning this structure just for it to be a backtrack for me. At the end of the day I need to cater for what is best in the long run and this is what I fully intend to do, no matter what it takes.
I point blank refuse to return back to that negativity after I worked so fucking hard to shake it, to change the route of my own bloody neural path ways, just to change them back again. Fuck that, royally.
I think, for now, I just have to keep this in mind and try my best to create a balance between the two.  I said two nights a week on art and shit but I will adjust that if I have to, I’m not beating PTSD just for OCD to fuck up the show.
It’s good though, that I’m thinking about this, as it needs to be right, the structure the plan, the routine, it needs to cater for my requirements, not anybody else’s. It’s only me dealing with my own head, so it’s gotta be me that deals with my own head.

Ugh, my bloody head..

Self Discipline

Today I had therapy. It was my second session so we still aren’t at the point to start triggering yet. We’ve covered my history, coping mechanisms, ability to deal with flashbacks and feelings, blah, blah.
In the session I learned about the thoery of the “Compassionate mind cycle”, a system of three behaviour systems based around different elements of thought patterns, physical/emotional/mental reactions, and subsequent reactions.
Within these are two positive cycles, 1 negative cycle, without going to deeply into it, basically it’s considered healthy to be spending most of the time in the positive cycles of “motivation”  & “self-soothing” and natural to be hovering around the negative cycle part of the time, this one involves guilt, shame, anger, etc.
It was explained to me that individuals who have experienced trauma tend to gravitate around the negative cycle and stay there, and that I no longer do this. I kinda knew this, but having it explained using this structure was actually really nice. Its looking at motivation behind actions. For example if an action is occurring being given spurred on by the desire to prove an individual to be the best, competition to the point of bitter resentment it’s based in the negative cycle, if the action  is spurred on by ths desire to change a situation that no longer serves us, for example, this is based in the motivation cycle. Sounds obvious, right? Well, it kind of did to me, however I was set straight on some of my own motivations that I considered to be based in a negative cycle are actually all positive. It is nice when these things are pointed out to me back to that I got it all right just by doing what I felt was right, yeah, that.

A conclusion was reached, however, by myself that I barely spend any time in that whole “self-soothing” cycle, in that I don’t give myself time out like I should.  I used to, I just get carried away in all that needs doing and keeping on top of, as it’s all in dribs and drabs at the moment, in that it’s not a day or week on one or two things, it’s daily with nearly everything, it’s cool, I like it this way, it was agreed that I need to do this more, especially during therapy. This is what we’ll be doing next week, discussing the whole thing of having a safe place and know how to deal with what ever comes after triggering. Well, I know I do, I just need to remember to retain absolute confidence in all of my knowledge of how this affects me. As with most things, this is coming with practice, the more I remember, the more I acknowledge and the more I am sure.

So, on the note that I need to give myself time, I need to be strict with dividing my time up between things that need my attention. I used to be wicked at that, it just fell out of my routine. I need to reintroduce my self discipline on taking the appropriate measures to keep me relaxed and healthy on all fronts, it just gets a bit tedious, my mind is always active, whether my body is or not.
Tonight then, I’ve given myself a firm cut off time for being at my desk and doing art, after which I’m gonna have a relaxing bath (not just an in and out because I get bored), put a film on, have a read and go to sleep.
It used to be that I’d never sit at my desk past a particular time, usually between 7-9pm, having already had dinner at about 6pm, chill out watch a film, probably write in various forms for a bit to relax my mind and go to bed.
Thing is, it’s also required and advised that if you can’t sleep, you shouldn’t stay in your bedroom or your bed, I mean, if you’re just laying awake, trying to sleep. That if you do this your brain starts to associate bed with being awake, which is counterproductive to say the least. So, when I can’t sleep, I get up, and go to my desk. I write or draw, or cut, whatever I know will tire my mind out at the time, rather than waking me up completely.
Plus night time is my most productive, it’s when I’m best able to concentrate when the mood takes me, plus it always makes me feel good. So where I would instinctively say art in the day, writing past 9, I’m inclined to allow myself two nights a week where I allow myself full on creative flow and time, and vent my excess creative energy and the rest of the nights be firm on myself about keeping to a time schedule as much as I can. This will definitely be helpful in restructuring my time, reintroducing my full day routine that I so badly slipped across this Summer. This involves restricting my creativity to only writing at night. I’d like to be able to say I won’t do anything like that and give my brain a break but my brain never seems to want a break no matter how much I try to force it to, writing can be as much of an element of relaxation as a massage would for most others I’ve spoken to. It’s a direct vent of my intrusive thoughts, without centering around the thoughts themselves. It’s sort of a distraction while facing it all at the same time.

So then, a long side therapy there’s a lot to concentrate on, and I’m loving it, I acknowledge the need to separate activities of the mind and body, and enforce the all round elements of my self discipline. This I’m a pro at, and I’m actually quite looking forward to it. Although it’s going to be difficult to maintain as much as my therapist said because life simply doesn’t always allow for these things, however, it needs to be done to help make EMDR as successful as possible, this is my priority, this is what will change things, end this particular chapter of recovery so I can start the rebirth bit completely and wholeheartedly. I think it will help me keep level and focused during the whole sorting of the abode affair. Back to that balance element, again! Of course…

The End of the Day

That’s the end of the that God awful date over and done with. Pretty much as soon as I realised it was gone midnight I felt myself breathe a sigh of relief.  It doesn’t matter what I do, my head is so foggy on thate date without fail, so I just ride it out as much as I can.

Admittedly, I grew quite frustrated several times through out the day, however I maintained a handle on it, desite the fact my brain has been half asleep and body seemingly determined on trying to get me to fall asleep. Of course, now I’m pretty much ready for bed time, that tiredness is almost nowhere to be found. It’s cool though, I feel chilled, definitely relieved. 

I’m going to have to tell my therapist about the presence of the old brain fog, hopefully it shouldn’t affect the plan, I have to be sure though, like fuck am I letting this fuck over due to a mere oversight.
I just felt out of tune, out of sync and out of the loop for most of the day, even that is clearing already. The last thing I want is to carry this through to a new day.

This means I should wake up with the recently present spring in my step and a head ready to take anything on again.
Sometimes I forget I don’t have to push myself every day, that infact I should probably make more of an effort to allow myself, however now I just don’t have the room in my life or head for that.  It’s not like I don’t have writing and art to act as a stress relief tool, plus music, plus all the other bits I enjoy and just my general bounce back nature to help me along my merry way.
At the moment, I need to keep the pressure on myself, no one else is going to do it, and let’s be honest, I don’t like it when other people do it because I’m perfectly capable of putting the pressure on myself and backing myself into a corner. I can handle the way I do it, because it’s crafted by me, for me. However, I find few people take time to learn enough about me to put pressure on me appropriately. It’s funny though, because most of my friends tell me that me putting pressure on is good for them, I don’t think so personally, so if they can’t provide the pressure they seek from elsewhere I just give a nudge or an honest word, and then forget myself and turn into a bossy bitch, but not in a bitchy way.  I’m just not like that with myself, I’m strict with my own direction and attitude because I have  to be, luckily, I’m pretty good at being thrown in the deep end, most of the time at least.

I’ve talked myself round to balance again, haven’t I?
Well, most is in balance so it’s all good, my determination and self discipline are currently required though, and when it’s required it automatically kicks in when I become frustrated with a situation I’m in.  It has stopped me being treated like absolute shit to be fair. I mean, I let a lot go, especially when people own their own bullshit instead of denying it, but that’s the worst for me, de Nile , Egypt is too far away for people to be in de Nile.
And right now, I can’t afford to be bending round people’s issues with reality when I’m required to be so present in my own, it’s just not cricket.

This though, keeps my confidence in myself ever present, my realisation of what life has become for me because I don’t have to live in a river in Africa to get by in every day life. I have a wonderful grasp on reality, I just also have a wonderful imagination which I simply wouldn’t be without, I didn’t realise just how infinite it is until I faced my own reality. 

Anyway, I’m just going on to ranting now so I’ll end with the note that the focus has returned after a few days off and it’s lovely to feel myself zooming in again.  Great stuff

Thirteen, ten

The thirteenth of October, the ever repetitive date to remind me my fuck up brother was even born. 
Also the date that  shows me within the next two weeks my body is going to start reacting to my the sexual abuse/rape in my history. It’s not all flashbacks, it’s frustration, restlessness, the need to up & go (I haven’t let that overtake since 2003 so I doubt I’ll be actually upping and going anywhere), fucked stomach acid, blah, blah .. I’m not exactly anticipating this, I’m not waiting for it to happen, this is when I become aware because I have to, so that when stuff happens I’m not reacting from impulse, but able to deal with it.
I think it’s simply that 6 months (give it take) of both physical and sexual abuse was too much for my nine year old brain to cope with, it just made it all worse.

So, this is the time I realise I need to start writing about it, like I usually do, but this time I’m going to have to include details as therapy is happening at the same time. It’s gonna be difficult, I think there’s still elements of a lot of shame in there, probably the only left in me, to be fair.

I don’t really know that I’ll write much on here, I always feel like it’s stuff other people shouldn’t have to have an image of, I forget though that not everyone gets vivid mental images of things explained to them, a mix of my wild imagination and PTSD elements that would require a relatively lengthy explanation.

I have been a lot better each year this has come, I have entered into this with a whole new mindset, which I thought would reduce it/change it, now I’m not so sure. I mean, I can handle it all, of course I can, I do what I have to, I’d just hoped it would be different this year. I just have to remember that the element of EMDR is what WILL make the difference.

I was sort of dreading this, mixed with EMDR and my present living situation, however I’m beginning to think that as long as I allow myself appropriate time to see out the flashback at the time, after therapy, then the fact I have to be on the go and seeing so many people at the moment isn’t a bad thing. It’s kinda exhausting not always knowing where you’ll be for the next seven days, but it’s keeping me in high spirits and around the people I feel safe around. Infact there is no one I talk to in my every day life that I don’t feel as safe with as I actually can be. That’s what matters. You know, I’ve moved around so much I think essentially a home is just a house to me, mostly, however my home is with the people I love, where ever they may be. That kind of stability nobody can take from you, knowing those few people are out there just loving you, that’s what it’s about, isn’t it?

I can’t help but be sad on this day, but even that’s okay.  I used to be sad all the time until I gave myself a date, a begin date, end date and a date to be sad, grieving is an essential part of any loss, and this is half of my current life that I lost. 
So today, I’m just going to be and not worry about Dragging myself out of a hole, that really, I’m not in. 

I always say it’s okay to have a bad day, and even then it’s not a bad day for many reasons.

Under the anger I feel sorry for my brother because his head must be so fucked up, and it must have been so fucked up, for so very long.  My head was that fucked up, I just took it out on myself more than other people, and I’ve hurt people, nothing like that, but I have hurt people and carried that guilt and self loathing for doing it, because you act out of guilt all the time, guilt and shame instilled in you by life… I don’t have that kinda guilt and shame anymore.. I figured not only have I punished myself for years, other people did too so why fuckibg drag it out and keep putting myself through it? It’s that guilt and shame that results in others misunderstand your actions, I couldn’t deal with the way it wasn’t me being displayed .. I think I stopped caring what others thought when I began acting true to myself in every day life, and these days most people see me and my approach clearly, and if they don’t, and I’ve just been myself, what can I do about it? Not everyone in life will be your fan, it matters mostly what people you love understand from you, even then things are misconstrued but at least it’s not seen as me just being an idiot, or a dick or an absolute c**t when I honestly don’t have this in me. I don’t and I’m glad of this. I can act like a dick, of course, I’m certainly nowhere near perfect, but my actions aren’t misunderstood.
Not that the guilt & shame stopped overnight, and of course, I still have elements of it, I’m not a fucking miracle worker or a psychotherapist, I could only do so much on my own, the deep seated stuff I can’t necessarily access safely, so I didn’t. It doesn’t display itself like it used to though, everything I would unblock I did, and have, and continue to do so.

To be fair, I think I’m going to be ranting through out the day, I don’t mind feeling shit today but I’m certainly not carrying it through to tomorrow, if I can vent it all.
I don’t allow myself to end on a negative note really, but fuck it.. I’m only human, plus (I don’t care if this “too much information” for anyone) I came on this morning, so the two are combined. I’ve got shit to do anyway, I’ll just breeze through that.

Just occasionally LIFE CAN GO FUCK ITSELF!!!!   That’s both middle fingers waved in the air, followed by fist shakes and a whole load of swearing and shouting like a nutcase.

Fuck it, right?!

This next day in my history…

It’s just dawned on me it’s my brother’s birthday tomorrow. He’ll be 37,and it’s another year passed that I still haven’t decided if I’m going to see this through to court.
When I was younger, I was always afraid of dragging my mum into it, then the fear was everyone would stand up in court and call me a liar, now, I don’t know. I’ve let go of so much, would I be dragging it all up and ruining things for myself. Then it occurs to me that he could easily have done this to other people, other people who haven’t got my voice.
I haven’t thought about this for so long, I think maybe a year, maybe longer. I can’t help but feel it’s my responsibility, but then the way life is working out I could potentially help more people with my time. If I throw myself into this, will it consume me? The essence of vengeance?

I should have acknowledged the dates, I mean I think maybe I have, this past week or so since Dad’s birthday came and went, I’ve been feeling a little… I dunno, not frustrated, but I think alert. It would explain the presence of the flashback on Monday centering around the sexual abuse.

I don’t feel detached, I’m not dissociating but I can’t help feel kinda sad about it all. After all the anger cleared, I just think the whole situation is sad. I was really close to my brother at one point after mum left when I was sixteen. We were inseparable, and I was in continual conflict. Then under that I’d the realisation that my relationship with him wasn’t dissimilar to the one between my mother & I. I was just filling a role, caring for him, like I did with mum & dad

.

I dunno, life eh? I mean I’m not getting wrapped up in the idea, barely even entertaining it, it’s just something I’m aware of.  I knew I couldn’t push forward with anything legally in the state I was in. Admittedly, this whole government/BBC child abuse scandal has changed the attitude and approach by the court system towards rape & sexual abuse. I just think so many people have accused me of lying about it that I have no idea how I’d react if I had some fool in a wig quizzing me about things that I spent so long trying to forget.

A few years back, before I finally told my dad what had happened, I began to feel like I had imagined it all. I actually questioned my own sanity because of the divide between this and my reality. That’s why I told dad, man those days I waited for him to reply were excruciating. I emailed him about it all, I knew it was something I’d never get the opportunity to have him to myself to explain  what happened, even loosely, without brushing over the severity of it, or even believing my own words.

These days, things are so different. I know what happened to me, I’m fully aware of it all, still though.. details.. I can rarely bring myself to consider details. It’s not like I avoid it, at times my brain won’t give me the information about it. Well, that organ has some awesome defense mechanisms… dissociation in itself is utilised to stop the worst affects of trauma penetrating the most delicate parts of our psyche, it’s how I learned to be. I can’t even comprehend being the way I was, she feels like a different person.
I’ve changed so fucking much, life has changed sooooooo much, especially over the last two years. I don’t think I’ll ever get over just how grateful I am that I don’t exist in that world anymore. Thank fuck, seriously.. I don’t think I would have been around for much longer had I not dragged myself through the shit and out the other side. In fact, that’s I did it. I wanted to have a life that I wanted to live, not days convincing myself why I need to carry on living. I occasionally have elements of that, but I recognise it and it’s not often, and it’ll never be What it was. Life will never be What it was. Such relief!!

As far as court goes, I’m definitely not rushing into anything, it’s just on my mind Because of the date.
I hoped this year it wouldn’t be present at all, but I’ve been having nightmares, no doubt about as I’m waking up with those memories. I can cope with the nightmares, of course I can, I can cope with it all.. I have for so long and I only suffer with PTSD symptoms these days, rather than CPTSD thought patterns. I worked hard to deal with the twiist in my original thought, essentially & apparently (so I’ve been told by three different psychologists & psychotherapists) been performing CBT on myself. They congratulated (two of them) me and I was like, well, what was I supposed to do, live my life around my own irrational fears? Let them restrict me when these were just fueling self destruction after self destruction. I wanted to live through creation, not destruction, love not fear. Admittedly, I am still only human, however the difference is ridiculous and 9/10 I don’t even pay attention to my self doubts, likewise I don’t just run off of my self confidence rather trying to maintain a balance of both and understand where each is appropriate or required.

It’s definitely one of the two times of year that I need to give myself more down time, more space to think about all that childhood b/s. I’m not exactly looking forward to it, however necessity is necessity and this is necessary.

Ugh, such is life & life is still bloody good. This is what I must remember, always and thinking about things like this, comparing old days to present days and understanding what has changed and why, partially to help with shit like this in the future, and to remind me it was a lot worse, give myself that warm happy feeling that comes when I remember I’m at the wheel of this, I no longer have to rely on people to care for me who cannot care for themselves. I will never be a child again and I will never be THAT vulnerable and confused again, ever…

Sleepless Reminiscent Smiles

My life seems to be coming to a point where there’s a defined line between “now” & “then”, that’s pre-30 and post 30.

January 2013 was the last time I remember actually getting angry. I was in the throes of an emotional flashback asking my (then) g/f to back off basically, to just let me deal with my flashback and then we would sort out what ever the problem was, ugh, I don’t even remember, of course.
Anyway, she didn’t. I walked out the room, I was followed by footsteps and shouting and my head was buzzing.  I just remember turning round after a further 7 minutes (yet I remember weird shit like that, it’s because I used to clockwatch my flashbacks to see how long they lasted) turning round and just shouting at her to just leave me the fuck alone. She flipped, starting calling me a psycho, saying how I was never gonna get better and what was the point in trying to be different from my mum when my whole family are mental (that’s nearly true). I just lost it, walked out the door.
I remember going for a walk, I did a lot of walking last summer, for thinking purposes. Anyway, I went for a walk, ended up following the path round the lake in front of my house and sat down on one of two big stone slabs that are seemingly (to me) randomly placed either side of the tiny path through the grass. I sat down and smoked a fag, looking up at the sky. It was cold and the clouds were pretty much looming overhead. I just sighed, I knew something had to give and that something had to be me, because there was nothing else.
I began walking back to the flat, I ended up sitting down on the bench and calling the docs to book  an appointment about upping my medication (you wouldn’t believe how difficult it was choosing to do that) and ask for the appropriate therapy, rather than what they gave me last time. After I hung up, I was stern with myself that this had to be the pivotal point of my recovery.  That I had to let go and just let life take me where it would. The determination to never stop trying just built from a point, the same one that took me to the hospital when they diagnosed me with PTSD two years previously. Things had to change and I had to change them.  Sounds obvious to me now, that’s the thing about hindsight, though, isn’t it?

In that same month I decided that if I was ever going to do anything decent with my poetry I had to start living it. I started writing a play completely written in poetry.  I had been kinda determined to separate my mental health and doing something with my poetry, however as always it just doesn’t work keeping it all separate. Those words are just who I am on paper, even if one is from just one moment, or one feeling, it’s still all me.. Plus my writing was born from everything that happened to me. I felt like I was denying my past, when whether it’s good or bad, I wouldn’t be who I am with out it, despite the fact I really didn’t like myself what so ever.. It’s still all me. Anyway, the point is that play is about a woman called Francis who was abused as a child, she flips, kills her abuser, although that story is told, not seen. She’s sentenced and we see her in prison.  She falls in love with a woman named Siren, and it goes on. I couldn’t finish it though, I will, when this bit is over, I will complete it.
So, I was already writing the play, I just introduced regular writing practice. Where I’d gravitated around abuse related emotions for most of my life, having dabbled in other bits and some other bits, I started writing about anything and everything that I could.  I took my little black book with me, wrote in London, by the lake, up at the local abbey ruins, trains, buses, streets, where ever I went.
The facebook page “Dance the Twiist” was honestly only started in a bid for me to release the protective nature I had over my words, I had to make myself let go of what people thought, not only of my poetry but of me.

These events then paved the way to all that is happening now, and have progressed and moved on beyond my then comprehension, and that’s with my vast, untamed imagination.
I can’t believe my ears/eyes/actual sense at times that it’s all worked out the way it has, and this is still the beginning. I am still in the early stages of the thirty years that are post 30, and with all that’s going on too, fundamentally.

Man, life is fucking mental.. I LOVE IT!!

You know, I’ve actually had my old friend question me about the spring in my step, “you’re always smiling” .. Yes, I am.. But for the years of pre-30, that’s not the way life was, I merely made a decision to make myself happy. Life isn’t amazing every day and I still feel shit at times, but the fundamental factor here is life will NEVER be pre-30 for me again, isn’t that reason enough to smile?

I think so…

Woke up this morning

I woke up this morning with an ever present spring in my step, from the word go, which was awesome.
Yesterday I spent the day time sorting through lots of paperwork bits and boring shit(aswell as creative breaks).  I utilised this this to allow my mind to finish off some things I’ve noticed it’s been processing in the background (it’s always processing something, it would seem), now the fog has pretty much completely cleared and my brain is back on form. 

Through filtering through everything, I re-realised I’m better off financially than I thought I was, and because I spent the first six months of this year pulling up the financial nose dive of my current abode, I owe nothing on it.  It’s such a relief that once I depart there’ll be nothing to come back and bite me on the arse unexpectedly six months down the road. 
It’s weird looking back as far as January and seeing a trail of actions that lead to me being able to depart from the situation pretty much care free. It’s almost like I knew…

So, along with just most things running super smoothly and this information, I feel pretty on top of the world to be fair. A great feeling to carry into the weekend of catching up with my family, I mean the only family I see, aside from my Nan & bro, and certainly the ones I’m closest to. 

Today has been spent on the phone, and on the old support group, again mentioned it at some point in the history of this rant station.
Now to just tie up some bits that can’t wait until Monday, art for today & tonight and fun times tomorrow with the fam.  I can’t wait…