I’ve been thinking a lot about personal relationships recently, how there was once a time in my life not one of my relationships was a positive one, and how much that has changed.
I spent a few years basically just behind a wall of reinforced concrete, removing those from my life that were just causing damage to my world. I haven’t needed to do this for a long time, however it’s another point I slip back into occasionally, although these days it’s because I don’t want to do damage to other people’s worlds.
To be fair, I don’t know for a fact that I do, however I don’t ever want to. I understand sometimes life gets rocky, and I think I used to pull back so much (up until very recently) because despite the fact a lot of my loved ones benefit from my presence in their as much as I benefit from theirs in mine, the feeling after slipping into a negative thought pattern just makes me feel like the monster I once thought I was. I wasn’t, not at all, not perfect, but certainly not what I viewed myself to be.
I just thought I was an ugly soul that just shouldn’t be around people because I was so awful. Man, I really did strongly dislike myself, infact no I hated myself.
I don’t hate myself anymore, I haven’t for a while. There are some things about me that I’m not so keen on, however I make sure I view both sides of the equation, like my emotions.
There are still many days I battle with my emotions, they can be so intense, ya know, I think well life world easier for me and those around if this wasn’t the case. Then on the other side of it, if my emotions were not so intense, I wouldn’t feel life like I do. I ride the highs and lows, you simply can’t have those fucking amazing feelings of elation without the shit feelings alongside them.
It used to be emotions would permanently rule my mindstate, however these days it’s more like we co – exist, in a house share. I let them have their space, they don’t try to rule me so much. Infact, they aid me a lot of the time.
It stands this way for so much as I spent a long time thinking about CPTSD symptoms and elements, I looked at them from every angle, infact I have a load of poetry I wrote in this time documenting how I did it, I must dig that out.
For example, insomnia: for a long time my nights were filled with negative thoughts, if I couldn’t sleep, I could never sleep, until I was so exhausted I was just permanently physically fucked. The hours spent in the negative thought space caused me stress, so it just built up and built up. Now, when it hits, it’s not necessarily any kinder to me, but mostly the element of stress isn’t there and I sleep every night, or morning, eventually. I changed this by focusing on the possibly positive elements, like the headspace to write. I set myself up a writing area so I could go straight to it rather than just sitting in bed. When I couldn’t sleep, I’d get up and go sit and write. This lead onto this blog, my art and all the other bits that fill my alone time. See, that too was a bonus, I love my alone time, I’m so used to my own company. Don’t get me wrong, I love being around people, however nothing rejuvenates me like getting lost, even for an hour, in my own little blue skied world. It all helps, it’s all bits I value now, so many elements of both CPTSD & OCD.
I think it’s time to instigate this move again, sitting down, weighing up pro’s and con’s, seeing how things are going at the moment properly. Thing is, it’s difficult to get the headspace needed for this. It will happen, it just needs my absolute attention otherwise I’ll be thinking about it loads, whilst not actually ever reaching any conclusions.
I think I’m just mulling over a lot, but when am I not? Usually it’s more of a scan, though, this will be a proper strip search. Time to filter through and get rid of things that no longer serve me, or don’t do me any justice, like slipping back into thought patterns. I need to do this a long side not hating on myself, so it’ll need an objective approach, never a problem with my head, just my heart.
This is definitely a positive move, it’s definitely due.