This weekend has afforded me some much needed headspace to consider a lot things that have happened in my life recently, from every angle. Surprisingly, I actually really quite enjoy doing this, it’s needed to keep ideas level and motion constant.
I assess, and I reassess, well not really consciously because my brain does it quite happily whilst I’m otherwise occupied and then just sort of comes to with the answers when it’s done processing information.
I’ve realised, over the last couple of years just how much information I take in, quite often without realising it at first. This happens most often when I’m insomnia is ever present. When my brain winds down it’s finished dealing with all the relevant facts and then by the end of my chill time I usually have the answers I’m looking for. If in doubt, I meditate and practice on the Reiki front and by the end of it everything is crystal clear to me. This is certainly a very useful tool, and quite often keeps me level and sure of my own actions.
Anyway, the process. I mentioned a few weeks back someone was lying to me about something important. Well, this resulted in the end of my then relationship. We have since sat down and discussed what happened, I always talk things through with people, it saves on any confusion. We agreed that it feels like nothing has changed, we became friends probably about six months back and I reached the conclusion that it’s fine with how things ended because sometimes you just need something to boot you out of your comfort zone into the real world. I mean we weren’t a proper couple for at least that time. It feels good, I feel really good about it all and am looking forward to actually getting to therapy now.
I’ve also reached a conclusion on the therapy front too, I’m not changing it. I can do this, I know I can, and I know I’m going to doubt it but the rough ride of EMDR is what I’ve set myself up for and my sights Firmly on.
Seriously, the idea of being symptom free just blows my mind, I can’t imagine being without it.
I was concerned, I probably will be again, that I would lose my approach towards creativity and how I write and such, I just don’t think it’s going to happen. My creativity has become my life and I fucking love it, all of it. It feels so natural, and I trust my own actions on all front. Even IF it works out that I need to go into something else temporarily to get things off the ground, that’s fine as long as I don’t let myself get comfortable. Thing is, I only used to do this because of the problems in my life insomnia causes. When you’re brain dead, brain dead employment is the dead cert, but I always got so bored, worked ten times harder than everyone else and still got my shit wage. Without the insomnia, this won’t be an issue, plus with the bits I’ve got under my belt during recovery, plus the fact I will always have creativity, and my somewhat ceaseless venting through out my diary and the net, they keep me from the depths of ongoing depression. Sometimes, I’m hanging by a fucking thread over some endless blackhole, but the thread is always a strong one and I’m flexible enough to work out how to pull myself up using that single element. It’s not fucking easy, but what else can I do? I’ve come too far to afford myself that much down time, especially as it takes me over when it gets that bad and I just don’t talk about anything, or vent, or think or create or anything even remotely positive. This hasn’t happened completely in years now, though., there’s always something I’m passionate about, this is the key. Even if I’m pissed at something I’m doing, it’s still passion otherwise it wouldn’t bother me at all.
I just don’t think I’m that guy anymore. I do sink, but not for more than a few weeks, in my experience always for good reason.
Like, if I sense something that isn’t quite right with what I’m experiencing, man does it spin me out. It’s only because it triggers that whole safety thing. My brain is aware that, as a child, certain things convinced me I was safe when actually I wasn’t, two conflicting realities, it’s the dysphoria present in the development of CPTSD.
Very little triggers that these days because people tend to not lie to me. I mean, I hate it people lie to me so very obviously, because I trust people and then I doubt myself because I think, nah, they wouldn’t lie to me so I end up concluding that’s the thing my brain is convincing me of that’s not real, but then, it usually is and I usually reach the same conclusion when I’m thinking clearly.
I used to react quite badly to things like this, especially with mum, these days I don’t so much. I reserve judgement until I find out reasons, nine times out of ten they are honourable enough so I just move past them and get on with it. There’s no point on being held up on little things in most situations, still, it does piss me the fuck off, I just feel it and let it go, but when it keeps happening it can become more difficult to let it go. I always do, but the more it hurts me, the more I struggle to move past it because I feel things at such an incredible level. I feel with my mind, body & soul, wholeheartedly for I do not possess half a heart.
Like with mum, I found out half the times she lied she had good reason, it’s just, ya know, the length of time she lied to me for, and u always found out because people can’t lie for long periods of time consistently, no one can do it, and ya know other stuff I struggled to forgive her for.
So many people have fucked me over in life I reached the conclusion that there’s much some really quite horrendous shit going on in the world so little things don’t really matter in the long run, as long as they remain little and don’t just escalate. They’re just minor details, it’s the bigger picture you need to consider when it comes to the crunch.
At the end of the day Honesty & patience are the sturdy base of any human interaction, so when the first can’t be maintained, the second is the failsafe. I only break this re when someone actually fucks me over, like something truly serious, which rarely occurs these days, I’ve removed all of the idiots from my life, this I’m sure of.
I’ve even had a recent clear out of people who clearly don’t give a fuck about me and dangle threads of friendship in front of my face, never taking the time to get to know me or have a conversation about something more than the weather. For the record I actually love talking about the weather, it fascinates me, just not on a “Oh, the sun’s out”, “yeah, yeah it is” kinda level.
I like talking about storms and tornadoes and intense weather phenomenon, how the shift of the gravity of the moon guides the tide, our reactions to the changes in atmospheric pressure, positive & negative ions in the atmosphere, man, I could talk about that shit for hours. Not hours of forced small talk.
There was only one person this occurred with. It struck me when she said I was a quiet person, mmm, only consistently to people who don’t know me. Most say to me, yes I’m quiet during time of reflection, however I only don’t say things when I think what I’m thinking is going to get a negative response I just can’t be fucked with or blow someone’s mind, like they just could never understand, usually from previous experience. I mean, I’m talking about subject here, and my mental health.
I notice when people don’t ask me questions when we could talk for a couple of days in a row and clearly important things have been happening, when people don’t even ask me how I am. Now, it’s not that I feel the need to tell people how I am, if something is bothering me 9/10 I’ll just say “Yeah, it’s fine though”, or “No, but I’ll be fine, everything will work out”. Not because it’s anything to do with them, if it is ill definitely say something in some manner, or because I don’t trust them, I simply don’t talk to many people about myself. If questions go further then I’d say, not gonna hide shit, but in the midst of general conversation, there’s often no need for it. I only really say stuff to people I want to know things about me, saying that, it clearly is levels of trust. Only 1 or 2 people do I actually confide in. I have a lot of love for a lot of people in my life, but very few in my time have even taken the time to attempt to know my multi facetted self, in fact so many see just one or two. Not just the fact that I’m incredibly versatile and my mutability affords me to take on new information, this is it, purely and simply. I’m incredibly flexible, even when I’m sturdy because I have a strong base. Me dodging never means the feet moving, sturdy am I in my foundations… I am well grounded while my head is in the clouds, it didn’t used to be this way, I only think it’s this way when I doubt myself… But it most certainly is.
Anyway, it’s cool though, because I’m an expert at looking after myself. It’s never been lack of knowledge, it’s usually lack of sleep. Then other people in my shoes aren’t half as productive as I am. I’ve learned this from speaking to fellow Insomniacs. There’s a few who are really upbeat, productive and even getting involved in community work. Alas, I started my own community work, in a not so standard format, actually several communities…
These people are like me, they’ve pushed hard past their Demons and are now living life towards the Sun.
You know, life these days is like this in general, I am sure of so much, I like it. I was always so unsure of everything that I kid, but now I just don’t need to be sure of all things, just some.
So, as one chapter closed completely and successfully a few weeks back, and I now stand before both a blank canvas and a blank page, I’m excited to see what the little images I create and the words I write will amount to.
Life is good, through my (sometimes daily) ups & downs, twiists and turns things seem to be ever on the up, continuing the trend apparently, this is what both evidence and my soul are clearly stating, so this weekend closed on a positive note to open this week in the same manner. Life is for the living, so live it I shall continue to do.
“To live is the rarest thing of all, most people just exist.”
So I’ve been trying to sleep for quite a while but I can’t, so I thought I’d have a ramble instead.
I’m in good spirits, seemingly unbreakable which is refreshing. I feel like it’s been a while since I’ve been even remotely unbreakable. But, I’m feeling determined.
This weekend has been lovely. I’ve relaxed, I feel level and really quite good about the coming week.
I’ve managed to get some headspace, literally and figuratively, to finish filtering through all that has happened over the last month. It’s a relief, let me tell you.
I’ve got some calls and such to make which are another step in the abode direction, after that the world is my crayfish. I don’t wanna say oyster, although you can get them from Whitstable, London just doesn’t feel that exotic. Either way, I love my crayfish, we go way back.
This week my crayfish is on my doorstep, well not my doorstep, but temporarily my doorstep, boy am I going to utilise this. All that was a not so long, more long winded, distance away is all a bus ride or walk away and I’m going to play tourist, I even have a plan.. Yes, I can stick to them when I make them, ha.
And, of course the boring therapy chase, this time through the docs, last time my doc actually wrote to them so gonna give them a buzz as well, see what some polite conversation can get sorted, shouting certainly never solved anything. Alas, my continual venting is quite useful in that sense, feel it, deal with it, done.
The best thing is, my sense of humour seems to be returning which just makes everything more amusing really. I’m returning to the “Fuck it” mind state. Just do what you do and get on with it, this attitude is most welcome at the moment and will afford me my highest level of tenacity whilst trying to convince private Landlords they should rent me their property.. I mean, really, they should, I’m such a great tenant. However leaving council properties is difficult because people just think you’re a bum, which is encouraging. But, it’s cool… It’s not like I haven’t dealt with worse, it just takes time. So, yeah fuck it…it’ll be fine, I always end up on my feet, it’s my party trick.
Onwards and up, forward ho!
So, up until Sunday I was on some mental two week long headfuck, we’re talking world spinning shit here. Now my head is levelling out, for now, at least.
I’ve pretty much been running at full speed on the anxiety front, my stomach has been going mad and my digestive system is just a mess… all happily contributing to insomnia.
Now, I know I can handle sleepless nights, the anxiety, the stomach (despite the hindrance to me managing physical disorder symptoms with my diet) are things I’m fine with. Just not on a headfuck. Quite needless to say, I think, that I feel shed loads better.
I am carrying a constant feeling of sadness again, that loss, and my intrusive thoughts are on one of the higher settings today but I am able the handle it with in reason, without dissociation or throwing myself into an activity to ignore it. In some sense, I feel calm. Not calm about the present necessarily, but calm about the future, the larger picture.
I realised on Sunday night that I’ve been zoomed in on details that don’t necessarily need my attention, and that I can’t really make changes to at this moment in time thus getting stressed about said details. I had to take a step back and just observe for a day or so.
I decided to take myself out of any mind anxiety inducing situations and throw myself into actual anxiety inducing situations dealing with all things official. I’ll admit I was nervous, and wavering on the old confidence but I put it aside and decided I need to concentrate on pushing things forward that I can, so I worry less about those I can’t.
I still feel stressed, I still feel quite angry, frustrated, exhausted, all the usual bullshit, however I no longer feel stagnant. That is the difference.
I’ve always struggled with being still, not in the literal sense of the word, but in the sense that if the same thing is happening for too long, I move on, push forward. I had to learn that what’s worth anything seems to require a fair amount of waiting, so I divied my life up into sections, bitesize chunks that I can digest more easily as the larger picture was too much to take on. Of course, you learn one lesson, you must learn the opposite again until a balance might be able to be maintained.
Balance, life is all about it. I mean, obviously, right? I’d everything in the universe has an equal and opposite reaction, surely you swing from one reaction to the opposite, one end of the seesaw to the other, sliding in a momentum until you can steady yourself at some point near the middle enough to get off.
Right now I’m once again faced with the lack of balance in my life, and I think this is what has been nagging at me, under all of the real life bullshit over the last month something has been there, tugging to get my attention. This happens quite a lot, rarely relative on such a scale as this though.
The mental health blinkers are coming off and I am beginning to go through the bigger picture with a fine tooth comb, that’s the details of the larger picture, not just the details of sections of the larger picture. This is a positive step. It is way past due to have a clear out of the proverbial closet, and infact my actual closet… I’m ready to let go of a lot and I intend to utilise this.
I need to keep a relatively level head, even when losing myself in the moment. I guess, less level, more clarity of thought, retaining access to the certainty, the knowing that makes everything a little easier… that the worst of this list of letters after my name (none of them being qualifications or titles, I might add) has passed and the best is yet to come.
Right now, I look to the future with a small, silently satisfied smile with a hint of excitement. I have no idea what’s coming, the notion never felt so good.
I put a lot of thought into words, their meaning, the reality of them being spoken, the reality you create when you speak them and generally how few people seem to understand the statements of conviction in their everyday lives.
Now, I know a number of my friends will discuss plans with me, like we should do this, go here, etc and they will never happen. I considered the impact on everyday life surrounding this and arrived at the conclusion that these sorts of empty plans are actually quite helpful in every day life and in friendships. You can discover things you have in common that you were previously unaware of, as quite often happens. It’s always fun to let yourself get excited about something, especially when life is super shitty, you actually have a possibility to look forward to, and quite often come up with concrete plans as a spin off, “we can’t go here, we’ll do this instead” type thing.This is great, I love doing this, ya know, as long as some of them happen what’s the problem?
Now these plans actually occurring is an example of what I’d say is “The Crunch”. Admittedly, it’s from a comedy I used to watch but it just fits so nicely, doesn’t it? The idea of the d-day of any event being the crunch.
The crunch also refers to similar situations of varying importance, it is essentially when “the shit hits the fan” .
I think about how so many people say they are going to do many things, but then when it comes to the crunch, they can barely manage a day pass.
Think about it, how many idle plans & promises do you, or those around you make in a day?
I got to the point a few years ago I found myself doing this all the time, even when it came to important things. I got bored of hearing myself speak empty words. I guess kinda like the whole automated response thing that most of humanity going on, that is a whole other blog though so let’s leave that for another time.
These days, I still do it. I actively make plans with my nearest and dearest for the next time we see each other, we’ll do this and that, and I can’t wait for that. I allow myself that, and they do too. I only know this because I’ve had this conversation with a few of them and we all agreed, it’s part of the fun of our social time.
I know I still speak words that may end up being empty, but I’d say at least 75% of the time the words I speak, say and write are not without reason. It’s funny because this has lead to me being quite talkative as I have much to say, now I have reason.
I think sometimes I sit down with some of my more acquaintance type friends, as in they are not in my every day life and don’t know the ins and outs, I get bored of the same old forced conversation. Well, I say forced, I probably mean pointless. I dunno, I can’t explain it properly apparently (I repeatedly have that feeling at the moment). I guess it’s like the afore mentioned automated response, you go through the motions of conversation but there’s not really much being said, words without meaning and that just pains me.
I love words, I love all words and I adore the English language. The ambiguity, the intensity of structure, the pronunciation and most of all, I think the fact it contains so many words originating in other languages is awesome. I am strongly into etymology, the history of words, where they originate, how they formed, it’s just so fucking cool how each word used to tell a story, has its own story.
I think it reminds me of the repetitive images through out nature, you know the pictures you see of the human iris and then the comparison with the Cat’s eye nebula. The world reflects itself, why shouldn’t language?
So, when it comes to the crunch I always look back on what people say to me, it all stores itself up there in the old brain box, and I consider the strength of what some people say, the words they use, the way in which the sentences are constructed, tone, etc… sadly, so few people understand the power of their words.
Over the last few years I’ve found myself explaining what I say again after I say it, just to be sure, mainly from past experience. Sometimes, when what I’ve said has been clearly misconstrued I don’t correct, always though on what I feel is important whether there is an obvious need or not. There is only two people in my life I don’t clarify with, that’s purely because we know each other inside out.
It was once pointed out to me this could well be an element of OCD, I’m not so sure. I think it coincides with the sleep deprived brain, in that sometimes when I’m that fucking tired I need things explained to me with pictures and an instruction manual (it doesn’t help that I’m usually laughing at my own stupidity), that at times I don’t think I can find the right words. Mostly, if I can’t find the right words I wait until I can.
I just think considering we live in an age where so many of us talk to each other with out the aid of body language and tone, even our nearest and dearest, closest and mostest, surely the importance of words is obvious?
You see, though, even then there’s cultural differences and such to consider. But then, usually differences will come up in conversation thus highlighted avoiding confusion.
More often than not I think this about people in London, I can’t say how it is in many places first hand, but London in particular people are so lazy with their choice of words, the language we use when it is so rich. I know for a fact I have miles to go before I’ll be happy with my vocabulary, and I love learning new words, or alternative meanings…ambiguity…
There seems to be a common misconception that learning “long” words makes you a smart arse, I’m like yeah whatever, it’s not like I don’t slip London talk into my conversations. I’m not going out of my way to use particular words, I just use the ones that feel right. Although, I know for a fact I get them wrong, that’s how I learn, how my vocabulary grows.
There’s also a common misconception that asking questions about something you don’t understand means you’re stupid, erm.. What? I think admitting you don’t understand something is more a sign of intelligence, intellectual process, admitting it leads to finding out what it is, you learn.
No wonder so many of us are stuck in a rut we cannot get out of, or maybe are unwilling to. Understanding you know nothing is the key to understanding everything (and nothing all at the same time).
You know, I was in that crowd for a long time. Before I went to college I believed I was basically a dumb arse, not that I think I’m some kind of genius, I merely understand I have a great capacity for change. I can accept new ideas with a level of ease, although never without thought. I would never ask about something if I didn’t understand it, and then one day I decided I wanted to understand it, and that next time someone brought it up, I would understand it.
I absolutely adore learning, and learning new things about things I’ve already learned. Kinda like when you watch a film the first time, then the second time you notice more, each time you watxh it something else clicks to you that you couldn’t quite grasp before.
I think a lot of people struggle with change, struggle with accepting new ideas, not because they can’t.. Everyone can, but that maybe they are too afraid to. The fear usually being of themselves, of fucking something up, being embarrassed, feeling shame. This is what keeps people using the same words, the same words so many times they lose meaning, thus becoming empty. (If you say fence repeatedly, really quickly it begins to form a cycle of sounds, like that I guess.)
It’s a shame and it actually upsets me that so many people in the world are so restricted by their own minds, I know, I used to be. Life is so short and the ability to express our humanity is a part of the reason we are here, words can play such an important part in that.
I know people express themselves in other ways but even sign language is based on language, ya know, it’s the key to living, I think. Well, all language is so important, words though.. Words send shivers down your spine, paint pictures on your mind, spin your world a full 360 degrees and totally bring you to your knees.
Then there’s that whole crunch malarkey, I reckon a lot of us wouldn’t say particular things if we realised what we were saying.
This is why words are becoming my life, and why I’m so determined to spread them ALL…
I will, one day…
This wood is beginning to darken again, the soft light is fading above the canopy and I am walking further into that dense, medievil forest. That feeling is knotting in my stomach again and I’m struggling with all the basic requirements, again. Eating, sleeping, I keep forgetting to breathe and my body is becoming so tense, like it used to be all the time. Stomach twiisting anxiety.
When my body is like this, it’s difficult to keep moving because the muscles become like stone, and it just fucking hurts everywhere. The Fibro pain is returning, the point at which the pain is felt is never where the pain is, the wonderful affect on my nervous system when it’s been fried with too much adrenaline, in a short space of time.
I’m waking up each day feeling hung over, which does mean I’m flashbacking in my sleep and I know I’m triggering repeatedly through out the day. Not for long periods of time, but it happened in company yesterday and I just had to take myself off to the bedroom, then proceeded to pass out for four hours.
Part of me is determined this will pass when I get some proper time alone to take recent events in, but of course, a brain & body that spends most of its life in this state so readily returns to it.
It’s dawning on me I may have to consider my therapy options and if I’m honest, I’m pissed beyond belief at that prospect. The only other option was CBT which will long and drawn out. The EMDR probably wouldn’t be recommended to me whilst living alone, plus the effect on my mental state now could tip the carefully achieved balance I worked my fucking arse off for over the space of five years, plus the rest of it.
I know shit happens, and when time passes I can deal with it all, I have to, but if this fucks up my recovery man, wow, I’m gonna be so fucking angry. I’m hoping it won’t but I need to be realistic, flashbacks put me in a dangerous mindstate where I am quite capable of causing harm to myself in at attempt to make it stop (baring in mind access to the cortex is blocked so it’s back to real basic survival reactions, when the danger to me is in me). I haven’t done this in a very long time but I’d be silly not to consider it and talk to the docs about it.
I guess I have to acknowledge that I’ve always noticed things really do happen for a while reason, if it’s not that obvious so it’s back to the old blind faith approach. It’s difficult though, blind faith vs evident facts when this part of the brain considers everything from an automated fear response. The “logic” is quite often difficult to argue with, I’ve even found this with other people. I’ll tell them my logic, they have nothing to argue against it other than automated responses, which bores me to tears. But then, I don’t really talk to many people about this these days, I guess there’s just always a lot going on, and well it’s partially people don’t wanna hear it and partially these things I find difficult to use into words. It’s different when they aren’t aimed at anyone, I quite often write to myself so it’s just easy, but to others it’s difficult. I think I’m very protective over this whole disorder thing at the moment because no matter which way I look at it, a part of my sees it as a weakness in myself, something I should know better by now. I dunno, I just want it to be over so I can get on with my sodding life.
My mind has been wondering, all day, back to my trip to India in 2006. A weirdly specific moment on the plane from London to Bahrain, flying over the desert. I’m sure I was the only one on the plane, bar the staff, that was fully awake as we passed over the Arabian Desert, it was so peaceful. I just remember watching the sun rise over the vast landscape from the heights to which only an angel or an astronaut could relate. No one was there to share that moment with, and there didn’t need to be. These are the solitary moments, those blissful half hours that chronic insomnia can give you. The plus side.
This one sunrise reminds me of all I’ve watched and in this moment I feel that my whole life has been this beautiful. That I have felt this enamoured even once in my life astounds me, and I’ve shared this feeling with our star repeatedly in my life, my earliest memory of a sunrise being aged 7 or 8. I don’t remember where I was, who I was with, why I was there, but I remember the sunrise like it was yesterday.
The hundreds of Dawns I spent sat up by the old grounds of the Crystal Palace, sitting on the back of the Sphinx rolling a Jay and watching the sunrise over Kent.
Staying in the heights of the Alps at 14 seeing in the first sunrise of 1998 in, still drunk from new year in that tiny Austrian town which happened to be on holiday with my first girl crush, my maths teacher.
The first sunrise of 2007 sat in the white sand with my friend and then partner, chilling and smoking after a night dancing under a banyan tree larger than I could ever imagine any deity to be, at a party hosted by the Russian Mafia.
I think of Sunrises and I remember nothing but happy memories, no wonder I am so in love with them. At that moment, when you’ve only had your own thoughts for company in the he darkest hours of the day, seeing the colours dancing to the sweet music the dawn inspires, I feel that all is right in the world.
I think of how lucky I feel to be able to take such pleasure in the simple things in life, and that no matter what happens to me, no matter what anyone does to me or how many times my heart breaks, I will always have the kind, rejuvenating light of the new dawn.
It occurs to me without this longterm chronic insomnia, the dawn & I may not be the love story we are.
It doesn’t matter how long we are a part for, each time we meet the same magical feeling floods my veins, the heat touches my lips and the air lightens my head.
With this, the kind of fire that could awaken a dormant volcano, is it any wonder I’ve had trouble filling that obsidian slipper?
Today I am in a very bad mood. It’s been hanging since I woke up but is now coming into play because I can’t find reasons to stop it.
They say everything happens for a reason, mostly I believe that, I just find it hard to accept at times. Like, I understood why things have to happen, but not always the way in which they do.
I understand parts of your life must end, that really nothing is an ending because something new is beginning simultaneously. Why, though, must things occur with the utmost drama, the utmost heartache, all caused by humans who have equally experienced this.
You know, I know I’ve hurt people in my life, mainly by trying not to, but it rarely takes me two occasions to learn the one lesson. Yet so many repeat their own cycles, their own selfish destructive cycles not caring about who they hurt on the way.
I used to be able to understand most viewpoints, but why on earth would you do something that you know will hurt people you love & equally love you?
There’s always clean ways to execute even the messiest of tasks. Purely & simply with honesty. People are always going to get hurt, you can’t avoid it in the long run, but each of us could surely manage to be honest about it.
All my life I’ve found myself surrounded by lies, watching everyone lie to each other about fucking serious things, and I just think “How can you do that?”.
I’m loathe to even lie to protect people these days, how could anyone need protecting from the truth… It is the only truth.
Now, I’ve said before, I’m no angel. Really & honestly & truly, I do not think it holier than most, actually I think the opposite. I think I have the capacity to be very destructive, selfish and malicious, which is why I try my hardest not to be. Of course I don’t always succeed, and I understand people don’t, but we could all at least try.
If I think I’m gonna hurt someone I pull back from the situation. Admittedly this isn’t without heartache from one or both parties, but I think about what might happen if I don’t. If I don’t curb my actions, if I went full force everytime what would it/I do to the people around me?
I used to act out of fear, even then though, it was always the same fear.. Being the full force of who I am, all the time and just hurting people purely through callous actions.
This is not to say I am not myself, I try to be honest with my nearest and dearest, mostly they just give me time until I’m able to feel like me again.
Then surely, isn’t it all me? It’s not like I hold back, necessarily, I’m just fully aware of a lot of my negative actions being based firmly in the OCD/CPTSD spectrum and I know they misrepresent my intentions and emotions. I’ve learned to differentiate between me & my disorders. It wasn’t easy, but it needed to happen before I locked myself in a fucking tower, especially as I haven’t had hair down to my waist since I was 17.
I dunno, I think I thought I’d begun to finally understand the world just a bit more, evidently not. I mean, if you can’t understand the actions of the person once closest to you in the world, how the fuck are you meant to understand anything?
Maybe one day, one day maybe I will understand. Right now, I don’t feel like I understand much…
Before we begin, let’s first lay out straight on the table that a lot has got my goat today and I will just be moaning.
Oh my days, people! Right now people are just getting right on my tits, like shamelessly. Argh, I hate that I won’t list all the names, times and places but a part of me understands that people are getting on my tits because I’ve been flashbacking. Adrenaline has been Pumping through my body on and off for seven days and I’m feeling the strain, literally, the muscle strain. A long side the insomnia, you see, this is a common problem. When you don’t sleep your muscles are active for much longer than they should be, your whole body is. The food you eat doesn’t digest properly, that’s when the stomach acid isn’t going mental from the stomach twisting anxiety and all the other bullshit I must have listed a hundred times before.
The problem is, you see, that my limbic system has had the view that it is not safe with someone I’m supposed to be safe with, essentially reinforced. I’ve only idea how to convince it otherwise, it is ruling my days at the moment and it bores the life out of me. There’s only so many things you can repeat so many times to are yourself feel safe.
There’s the checklist, yes, a checklist. Simple things really, like having a particular spot in your house that you sit, where you feel comforted. At the moment, there is no where in my abode that feels this way to me. Do anything to make you feel good; drink tea, read, watch a film, listen to music, shout, write, hand jive, whatever works.
Usually the list helps, if I can remember even one thing from it, it can help. This time it’s not helping, I don’t know what to do to help and a part of me feels like I shouldn’t do anything, like it needs to come. I can’t tell if that’s a logical decision made on the information I gathered during my endless research on PTSD and every little thing linked that I could find, or my brain deciding upon further self punishment.
This isn’t to say I haven’t had good moods, I have, alongside moments of resolution, confusion, acceptance… but never denial, it rarely is denial these days.
With things going on in my life I am living one day to the next, it’s flipped my brain into an intense sense of instability. I’m sure it’s anticipation flipped into action by the hypervigilante, topped off with a lovely cherry from the OCD division, because we are out of control of the situation.
It’s weird with the OCD, because although I like to be in a type of control of the direction of my life, I actually think at times the problem is I don’t control it enough, so when my brain’s all like “what the fuck?”, I’m like “what the fuck?”.
Ugh, I don’t know. I think it’s kicking up old feelings for what situations have meant for me in the past, which is triggering in me an intense need, an urge to lock myself away. I have this anyway, but it’s a moment, a passing notion. This is not a passing notion and I can feel it getting worse. Whilst trying not to alarm myself that I’m spiralling, I must remain aware of it so it doesn’t spiral any further if it is.
I’m overwhelmed, I know that. I’m overwhelmed with everything and I just want to take a step back, look at the larger picture so I can step forward without walking in circles. Right now, I feel like I’m not walking anywhere, like I’ve just stopped, dead in my tracks and I’m just stood still.
Anything more than momentary stillness causes my incessant mental energy to turn inwards. This can be useful, right now it’s a pain my backside. I’m looking around me, scrutinising everything, ripping it all apart, reconstructing only to rip it apart again. I’m noticing things I’ve noticed before but I had to let go because there’s nothing I can do about them, now I seem to be picking these things up again. This is the OCD. The mental energy always is, physical is PTSD. Although I’m sure the first would never have manifested itself in my psyche had it not been for a visit from the latter.
Well it’s all coming at me, getting all up in my grill, in the form of intrusive thoughts, those horrible little blighters. The cogs have ceased rotation due to intrusive thoughts clogging you the mechanism, wedging themselves right in there, nice and tightly.
The problem with thoughts is are potential ideas, words and actions, they are at the core of the holy trinity. Generating feelings, actions, words, reactions all from this place deep deep, deep down in the abyss of my stomach.
These turn all the positives in my life to negatives, and right now I feel like I’m beginning to watch my city burn… the thing is, this time I didn’t light the match.
Today I’m feeling a multitude of mixed emotions, contradicting each other and generally getting in a tiz woz. However it seems I’m able to acknowledge and observe them without taking them on board. This is the bonus of dissociation. Your brain is trained at an early age to shut down emotions that can be overwhelming. As I’ve gone through the recovery process I have learned to utilise as many “symptoms” as possible. Not all have been useful, but mostly I’ve been able to make the best of most bad situations.
I’m relaxed, mostly, and I can feel the cogs at the very back of brain working hard to filter these emotions, breaking them down into bites wide chunks, thus becoming easier to digest.
Things are moving forward for me at a rapid rate, and I’m just trying to hold on for the ride until the Roller-coaster halts and I can gather the bits of me that have been torn off by the pure g-force of this situation.
This is good, I’m taking it as a positive contribution to the larger picture. Retaining as much faith in myself as possible, simultaneously Clinging on for life and letting go.
I just have to keep this momentum until a time I can afford not to without wiping myself out. Nice and easy then…
I feel like I’m lost in a forest, that I’m not bothered I’m lost because everything around me us so beautiful. Then every once in a while I stop, look around mea panic rising at the back of my head, under the skull, you know the feeling.
Well, I stop, I take a deep breath and change my direction. If it gets too bad I have a smoke and a sit, think about where I’m at, what’s around me, where I’ve been and then carry on.
It’s like the continual contradiction that has always existed in me. Although, the “negative” contribution has become less prominent in my brain.
I think I used to walk through the wood blindly, and only in the pitch of darkness. With such a vast canopy above me that I can’t see the stars for company, just my Demons and I playing together until something pushed us in a different direction.
These days I rarely walk in the dark, I may stumble for a few miles in the darkest part of the wood, where the trees are hundreds of years old, thick in the trunk with roots rising up all around, making the ground uneven. I rarely trip though, if I do I catch myself before I fall.
You see these are the differences I think about every day, and have translated into a million varying metaphors.
I think about how much I’ve changed since I came back to London six years ago, who I was then compared to who I am now. All I can say is wow.
I think some people would see no difference other than the fact I’m a lot more relaxed and able to handle my emotions a lot more. It’s more than that though, there’s so much I couldn’t say it all in one post.
I’m so much happier in myself than I have ever been. This conclusion isn’t from every day moods, or something so trivial, but my reaction to things. Things that used to make me flip out, don’t anymore, I just don’t flip out anymore. I think I stopped caring about particular things as much. I’ve realised what most people consider is important, what I think is important and left the rest well alone.
It’s the little things as well. When I was younger I had a real problem with any comments on my actions, even helpful ones. These days I try my best to take things on board from the people who matter, mostly myself though. I think I’ve learned to trust myself, this seems to have made all the difference.
They say growing up in an abusive home can fuck with your self perception, it sounds obvious but you wouldn’t believe the amount of people who’ve gone through this who don’t give themselves credit for actually having Stockholm syndrome.
A key element of CPTSD that isn’t present in PTSD is because you are taught to believe you are simultaneously in danger and safe at the same time in the presence of your primary care giver. It distorts your perception of, well, everything.
I’m pretty sure I’m not of this mindstate anymore, in fact I know I’m not. I go into it during the holy trinity; emotional, physical and mental flashbacks, otherwise I feel free of the fog. The fog that hung on the forest floor for as long as I can remember.
I though it would return, it hasn’t and I’m beginning to think it’s just not going to, mainly because I’m so present. I’m facing the emotions as they come, it’s not easy and it’s contributing to the old OCD. However, I’m letting it come… the images, the emotions, intrusive thoughts, etc. This brings a temporary darkness to the medieval woods, but it doesn’t last long.
The other day I nearly came to the conclusion it just hasn’t hit me. Then tonight I was out walking, all of a sudden it felt like someone had winded me, taken my breath and placed weight on my ankles. Still, I was OK.
So, despite the every lasting conflict, temporary contradiction, intense ups & down I think I’m doing OK. Only time will tell us the next step.