One thing

You know the same one thing has been on my mind since Spring last year.. It never leaves me,  I don’t talk about it and few know these thoughts have existed.

Gotta be all cryptic about shit though because unfortunately I can’t put a pin access code on my blog. 

I don’t think I’ve really written about much other than mental health related things for a while.

I’m not sure if this is mental health related or pure stupidity.
It’s a knowing,  a certainty.  Certainties are things in particular I’m rarely incorrect on. What’s the point in me calling them  “certainties” if I am not certain about them?

Well people just keep telling how right I am with most things.
I joke about it on top but inside I’m like,  no I simply thought about it through a Variant perspective to my own.

Anyway I’m certain I was wrong,  then right,  then wrong… But then I forget what it is… And it doesn’t matter anymore.

But this.. This is killing me slowly

You know the same one thing has been on my mind since Spring last year.. It never leaves me,  I don’t talk about it and few know these thoughts have existed.

Gotta be all cryptic about shit though because unfortunately I can’t put a pin access code on my blog. 

I don’t think I’ve really written about much other than mental health related things for a while.

I’m not sure if this is mental health related or pure stupidity.
It’s a knowing,  a certainty.  Certainties are things in particular I’m rarely incorrect on. What’s the point in me calling them  “certainties” if I am not certain about them?

Well people just keep telling how right I am with most things.
I joke about it on top but inside I’m like,  no I simply thought about it through a Variant perspective to my own.

Anyway I’m certain I was wrong,  then right,  then wrong… But then I forget what it is… And it doesn’t matter anymore.

But this.. This is killing me slowly

Tomorrow

I hope tomorrow I can pull myself out of this headspace.  My two weeks are up for my med drop and relating to that,  most evidence represents a sensible decision.  However OCD is trying a peaceful sit in. It’s wearing me out.

This week though,  the plan us to begin to pull myself up again. I think beginning will be harder than it has in a few years,  but once I’m able to shift my mindstate I think it’ll be cool.

Tomorrow then,  tomorrow will be the beginning of better days.  I owe it to myself after riding out this med drop to continue the ride and hold on tight,  with enthusiasm and hope and all the right things for success.

Back to basics time.  To reset my brain and start the mechanism soundly after the chemical shift of the med drop.

I’ve been feeling physically shite all day,  but I’ve adjusted well, and outside of emotional numbness,  I’ve been relatively OK.

Tomorrow is the road to one up from okay,  until I get back to energetic and resilient.

It’s not fucking rocket science

I dunno, I keep pushing myself to just do things for myself,  but it causes me stress when I could just push forward with therapy,  drop poetry and art and possibly actually get back to work before the age of 35.

I just don’t see the point in trying to retain Humility and trying to not take shit personally,  to not stress at people When if I gave less of a shit od get hurt less.  Just logically ya know 

Coming to this stage in my therapy requires absolute realistic thinking,  but it’s always taken as a negative stance.  How being realistic and not bumbling along in a dream world is negative is beyond me.

If anybody actually paid attention to who I am they’d realise every time I get like this is when I make changes for the better.  But it’s a measurement of how my situation is through their eyes. But my life and perspective are not theirs.
It doesn’t take an idiot to connect the dots. 

It’s always seem as “poor me, my poor life” because that’s what it is for them.
For me it’s “I’m not happy with something,  I need to realise and express that to change that situation,  or direction.  I reach my own conclusions more often than not because I’m an adult who’d rather live off my own mistakes and decisions than everyone else’s.

People don’t see it from my point of view because no one actually takes the time to find out about people.
Yet when I understand people’s viewpoint people are shocked.  It’s not magic,  it’s information and reasoning. 

It’s purely because I have the ability to listen but as time goes on I spend more time just talking about myself because no one asks,  and presumes.  So I just explain anyway. 

It’s not fucking rocket science, communication and friendship, nay as fucking well be though

Blah, blah

You know,  nuff people come to me when they feel like shit.  I used to accommodate every but now I just do it for people I feel a connection to so I don’t wear myself out and get angry when no one talks to me when I declare I feel shit.

You know I don’t even need a shoulder to cry on. Because all these people need propping up emotionally,  it seems people think I need that. 

No sometimes it’s just nice people giving a shit about your life in any form. 
My stress is never from my own weakness,  it’s from my own strength.  It feels like because I don’t need people to wipe my fucking arse for me These days,  that I just don’t need anything

I need to not feel detached from reality and that involves voicing mine.  It’s not even me just being insecure,  it prevents me from dissociating half as much as I do.

I’m not stuck in a dream world,  my brain detaches because of the 17 years of abuse I experienced.  It’s a defence reaction by my brain.

But it comes from me and I’m too deep,  or worrying about nothing, or being dramatic.

At times I’m like other people’s issues may seem insignificant to my life but they’re not living my life,  and if it’s significant to them,  then it matters.

I grew up through a childhood of little Empathy and sympathy for natural human emotions,  and it still happens as an adult and not one person in my life isn’t like this.
It’s one word answers,  when half the tie I’m not venting,  I’m sounding out.  Which means I reach a conclusion all on my very own without having to have it pointed out for me.  I’m a problem solver,  and when I’m down I always bounce back.
Getting the lack of response I do I’d a kick in the teeth.

It’s like yeah talk about your shit because I have time,  which I make for people but I talk about my shit and well… I’m only annoyed that I keep listening to people 

I’ve just felt for so long why should I isolate myself because of other people because if I don’t end up with advice to give,  or an ear to listen then conversations don’t happen.

And when I bring this up people go automatically into defence mode rather than listening to What I’m saying.
Like everyone is a victim. 
But I’m accused of being a victim when I try to just say to people I feel this way.  If people tell me I’m being shit  even if defence occurs,  I calm down go back and find out if this is an issue or words out of stressful moments and sort it the fuck out.  So I’m not being a cunt 

But why,  why bother? I’m not allowed emotions so I think we’ll if I just utilise my Empathetic ear solely for myself then there’s no problems. But then any contact I did have ends

I’m getting to the point where I’d just rather become a recluse than go through this pointless bullshit 

Because that’s all it regarding my situation,  it’s fucking pointless

That moment

The moment you look back over the two and a half years you’ve been waiting for therapy only to realise as time has progressed you’ve denied yourself the right to feel more often as time has gone on.

Dropping my meds has felt like the mekting of a foggy dreamworld and part of me can’t remember from March last year when I upped it to two weeks ago when I began dropping it. 

Of course some symptoms have returned with avengance,  that’s to be expected in my book… But the mixture of clarity and stupidity is phenomenonal.

My brain is not able to function properly yet,  that is clear.  But my head has turned back towards writing like it should be,  and that feels pretty great,  despite the fact I’m a bit of a walking zombie.  Unable to sleep at night,  tired in the day and pushing until my eyes are involuntarily closing but most days I’m having half hour to 2 hour long sleeps. 
I think this will fade once my body has completely cleansed itself of the higher dose.

I flashbacked like a bastard this week,  again something I can’t help but utilise in my brain to back up the thoery it’s not helpful going into therapy on full meds otherwise you won’t feel it properly,  I need to feel to communicate and communicate to process.

I guess you just kind of have to put things in context.  If I concentrated on the severity of the reexperiencing then I’d probably fall apart,  but I think about what will do this properly and I can’t help but feel I know exactly what I’m doing with my own mind, and I will do myself justice

“Do it with passion, or not at all”

Pressure drop

This is mainly a med drop update.
Needless to say I’m feeling it, but it’s been both bad and good,  even the bad is good.

The mainly negative parts have been because I am noticing cognitive traits and physical issues the medication was masking.  This is good because I don’t want to be lulled into a false sense of security feeling like I’m cleared all the hurdles only to find an extra few years past the original finish line.

I need to know where to focus attention and do what else I can towards my final goal while I wait for EMDR.

So,  suicidal ideation is definitely an OCD thing in me.  It’s either that my head can’t handle the other thoughts in my head thus switches to a recognised thought pattern,  one it understands and has control over.  Or the other way round

You’d think the coping mechanism was to disperse the suicidal thoughts but no.
This is because it’s based around fight  flight or freeze.  It’s the ultimate fear,  “I’m stuck in this situation,  the only way out is death”.
That how I thought as a child,  sad really.  I feel for my child self,  such little comprehension that life would be anything other than what it was there and then.
It makes me wonder how many children in the world are like this.  Having such little comprehension in life,  yet being so sure death was the only way out.
So as it’s a recognised coping mechanism I’m not worried I’ll do anything silly. 

Pain is present.
The psychologist confirmed that a lot of the pain I feel as an adult when I trigger is the pain from way back when,  ya know … Childhood

I’m confused,  disorientated. 
But laughing.

I feel physically ill,  but it’s effected my sleep as well,  I mean what doesn’t right?

Obsessive thoughts,  intrusive thoughts,  pain,  irritability and confusion.

In a sentence. ..

This week

This week has been a weird one. My body has reacted mostly negatively to the med drop (duloxetine 60mg to 30mg). Pain and all the other fun Fibro symptoms have returned.

My head has been a mix of both positive and negative.  I’d say mostly positive though.  I just feel good about it.  I feel a little more clarity of thought,  despite the annoying bits.

This has definitely been the hardest medication to switch doses on,  both up and down.  It seems to have quite a large effect on the body,  mine at least.

I’m still not 100% sure if dropping was the right thing to do in the long run physically and regarding OCD,  however I’ll find out soon enough.  Until then I’m going to enjoy the benefits of this. 

Creativity is flowing,  and in poetic form.  I’ve arranged some collars this week.  Ones that were in the pipeline that had no real plans laud are now fully in progress.

I miss my friends though.  I have Internet friends,  who doesn’t in this day and age,  but it’s not the same as enjoying some ones company. 

Saying that I’m staying at a friend’s on Monday night to go to an important appointment with him. I’m actually quite proud I’m going. Thing is I don’t think anyone else offered and the calibre of appointment it is I just wanted him to have someone that has been at some of the journey with him that he can turn to in the future a day say,  “core,  remember when…”.
Having that with my partner during therapy and mental health has been amazing. 
We are the ones that say to each other “Yeah,  but only a year ago..”,  making us appreciate where and who we are now.

I got to know a few new people better this week,  which was nice.  Things are wonderful with my partner and I,  I can’t think of anything else off the top of my head.

There’s lots to say,  my brain’s just a tad vacant

I’m no fool, I know I’m a fool

Ok  so I’ve dropped my duloxetine by half.  It started out I simply forgot to take my meds the other night,  the following night only took one.  The next day,  yes I felt disorientated and surreal but I went to the shop and I was fine despite the fact I felt like I’d been on a two day ketamine bender (bonus of having a history with class a’s is that I really haven’t not felt anything pharmaceuticals at the anti depressant level can dish out).
So,  I took one that night,  then two,  then one,  exactly how the docs would advise me to,  and have advised me to.

I’ve been on the higher dose since after my birthday in March last year.  They say you should take them for at least a year to make any difference and I’ve been on the lower dose for three years,  so it’s not like I’m coming off them completely.  It was me who requested the increase in the first place,  after months of coming to the same conclusion,  I needed to do something.  So I upped my meds and requested therapy. 

Since then my whole world has improved beyond what I could have comprehended,  baring in mind I celebrate every tiny bit of this journey,  and any success I achieve… Well I still have flashbacks,  nightmares are getting worse but I’m just enjoying being me again.

It’s been gradual,  but I’ve especially felt it this year.  I don’t know if I’ll ever achieve anything with poetry,  or indeed art as people are telling me to push forward with.
I don’t know if I’ll ever really leave this rock as much as I want to. 
I don’t really know what the future holds,  which means I genuinely don’t know if I’ll be well or not.  A year ago,  I “knew” I’d be like this forever. . .

Now I once again know better than to assume I know anything at all.

Brain Malfunction

You know what’s concerning me at the moment?
Well,  sit comfortably and let me explain.

Every day,  like actually every day my friends tell me how much of a good listener I am,  and it makes me feel good. Like well,  every body needs soneone to listen to.  It’s a few minutes out of my time at most usually.
And most of the time I don’t mind people not listening to me,  like actually saying “what’s the news with therapy?” or something specific to me as a person that makes me realise people are interested in my shit..
And,  I just can’t start talking about it because it’s more than a few sentences so if the conversation isn’t initiated then it’s just not something you slip into passing, anyone in my situation will understand if not agree.

Well,  now as EMDR is set in motion and all I await is the date of my first appointment it occurs to me that I can’t remain in this state of no speach. I keep arriving at the same conclusion.  I’ve already spoken to two people in my life about it.

One of them is experiencing physical changes themselves in this time and we were both like “we’re gonna both be a bit wooo,  let’s remember that”, sorted.
With most it’s just not that simple because people only really go as far as their own perception of themselves or what they think people need,  when they try to help rather than asking.. Is there anything I can do.. Don’t get me wrong,  I don’t expect anyone to help and if I’m honest I’m loathe to accept it these days,  that’s not who I used to be,  but it’s certainly who I’ve become.

Anyway,  that’s totally irrelevant. My brain is just swinging me off on a tangent.

You know one of the hardest things about this whole recovery bullshit has been trying to keep people in a loop they don’t want to be in,  or more iften do not understand exists. 

For all these adverts aiming to bring understanding regarding mental health,  it just feels as though they haven’t quite got it right.  That’s kinda the point I’ve always made,  though isn’t it…? The adverts need to start with basics because that’s all people understand right now.  The basics are what the rest is built upon and christ in box,  what a complicated concept.
The ideas of Disorders,  types of Disorders,  the cross over symptoms,  how this in one Disorder appears the same as this in a different Disorder but is completely and utterly different.
Just like physical health,  right? Absolutely,  so why can so few comprehend this…?

Like a disorder is like a malfunction in the kidney,  which you need a machine to support with,  a malfunction in the heart which a machine will be implanted within you to help regulate,  we have dysfunctioning brains.. But there is no machine. 
The machine is therapy,  the rest is up to us.