Piecing the puzzle

You know what I’m struggling with at the moment? A particular thought pattern I need to break.  The feeling that people are just out to get what they want from me.  I recognise it’s an issue of my own and I don’t have people in my life that don’t love the shit out of me,  but my thought patterns base from the old “I’m not good enough…” “why else would they be interested in me.. “.   At least I hope it’s that and I’m not just totally blind to people,  which I’m absolutely certain I’m not anymore,  even if I ever was. 

I have talents,  abilities and training that I want to use to help people,  yet at times I begin to wonder if these are the only,  or main reasons particular people bother. Sometimes I find myself offended people don’t ask me for help, and then that like what?!

Part of this whole letting go thing,  is letting go of being offended by anything really.  This whole no judgement thing,  not easy but it’s gotta be done.

I used to dwell on these things but I’m more able to move away from it as a pattern,  I’m finding the more you just point blank stop a process the more likely you are not to repeat it.. No dwelling,  or considering,  just do it,  go with it.  Keep the flow but direct it elsewhere,  I’m making it sound a lot easier than it is.

I read that the best way to deal with OCD tendencies,  which I’m finding manifest themselves significantly in my interactions with others,  is to face them.  I’d say the same with fear,  so I’m continuing with the promise I set myself for this year.  To not let myself be excluded then upset I’m excluded.

I don’t intend to force myself on people but at times I can be a tad elusive because I don’t want to force people spending time with me,  then I wonder if they wanna spend time with me.
These are no longer conscious ideas,  they are merely patterns that need to be broken.  So,  I’m hoping that if I just go with it like I am other things,  it will all work out.

Now I’ve just gotta get back to my chatty self editing out the pointless somewhat nervous chatter.

It’s cool,  I’m not exactly on it day and night,  but when I notice things I ty to just stop it,  move on my thought or try to just observe or be calm.

Practice will eventually make,  not perfect,  but attainable and retainable.  I honestly can’t wait to no longer think like this,  it will be so fucking liberating

You know what I’m struggling with at the moment? A particular thought pattern I need to break.  The feeling that people are just out to get what they want from me.  I recognise it’s an issue of my own and I don’t have people in my life that don’t love the shit out of me,  but my thought patterns base from the old “I’m not good enough…” “why else would they be interested in me.. “.   At least I hope it’s that and I’m not just totally blind to people,  which I’m absolutely certain I’m not anymore,  even if I ever was. 

I have talents,  abilities and training that I want to use to help people,  yet at times I begin to wonder if these are the only,  or main reasons particular people bother. Sometimes I find myself offended people don’t ask me for help, and then that like what?!

Part of this whole letting go thing,  is letting go of being offended by anything really.  This whole no judgement thing,  not easy but it’s gotta be done.

I used to dwell on these things but I’m more able to move away from it as a pattern,  I’m finding the more you just point blank stop a process the more likely you are not to repeat it.. No dwelling,  or considering,  just do it,  go with it.  Keep the flow but direct it elsewhere,  I’m making it sound a lot easier than it is.

I read that the best way to deal with OCD tendencies,  which I’m finding manifest themselves significantly in my interactions with others,  is to face them.  I’d say the same with fear,  so I’m continuing with the promise I set myself for this year.  To not let myself be excluded then upset I’m excluded.

I don’t intend to force myself on people but at times I can be a tad elusive because I don’t want to force people spending time with me,  then I wonder if they wanna spend time with me.
These are no longer conscious ideas,  they are merely patterns that need to be broken.  So,  I’m hoping that if I just go with it like I am other things,  it will all work out.

Now I’ve just gotta get back to my chatty self editing out the pointless somewhat nervous chatter.

It’s cool,  I’m not exactly on it day and night,  but when I notice things I ty to just stop it,  move on my thought or try to just observe or be calm.

Practice will eventually make,  not perfect,  but attainable and retainable.  I honestly can’t wait to no longer think like this,  it will be so fucking liberating

My Empathetic Disposition

I’ve always walked life with the approach of an ever empathetic disposition.  I feel this is what has spurred me to live a life trying to purposefully avoid hurting people or doing something that I believe will hurt someone.
Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t always achieved this at times things have actually worked out the opposite way,  and I have done things I’m not proud of.  Some things have caused me to carry years of guilt in the past,  but the fact is I generally approach a situation with the stance of how it would feel to be in their shoes.

This isn’t always a useful approach in that I’ve found in the past that guilt can make people act strangely,  notably variant from a person’s usual behaviour,  including myself.
Alas we are not here to consider this I began this discussing the approach.

You know I consider this because I think I can at least comprehend most viewpoints in life but I don’t think I can understand purposefully hurting someone,  despite I have noticed many doing that to me in the past and like I said,  I’m far from being an angel.  My problem is one time fuck ups,  but major huge fuck everything fuck ups,  I’ve not had one in a while but that’s how I usually end up hurting people.

I think this takes me on to revenge, of course I comprehend revenge and have been of that mindset but I moments,  unplanned moments that pass.  These actions of revenge I speak are preplanned with total disregard for the people affected in the long run. 

For all the shit people have done to me over the years I’m always angry,  yes,  but angry at the fact I have to lose someone I once gave enough of a shit about to have in my life and who felt the same about me. 
Why would you plan to hurt someone you love like that?

I’m not angry or upset or disgusted it’s just something I was considering,  you know,  like I actually want to know why.  What would someone gain out of something like that?

Please send your answers on a post card to…

I think,  for even the hurting of people I’ve been responsible for that was never pre planned,  even some who have been a bi product of my actions,  I have felt terrible.  Admittedly I try to let it go,  as I believe,  well no,  I know that to keep loving,  keep moving forward you need to let go of shit like that,  it’ll make you rotten.

That’s why I had to let go of things,  because I would have just continued down that sour path,  when I’ve known the sour,  now I want the sweet.
Who wouldn’t? Who doesn’t and well,  why the fuck not?

Learning to not judge

At the moment I’m trying to learn not to judge.  I don’t stress about it but when I catch myself doing it I stop.  You wouldn’t believe how often most people (including yours truly) automatically judge,  so I don’t manage to catch myself everytime.

I’m finding it most difficult when watching the TV,  funnily enough.  I guess where programmes are created for our entertainment a part of that is Invoking human emotions, so that judge every time.  It draws us in,  it’s basic sense.

It’s human nature to judge.  Back in the cave days if someone stole your food,  or hurt you thus threatening our survival then it would be sense to avoid those people.

Now I’m struggling a little with the boundaries,  because a long side learning this you need to retain a certain level of judgement to realise you’re judging,  and to help keep you away from chaotic people who are locked in the cycle of their very own reality show,  aided by Facebook and Twitter (yes,  I know I use media to express opinions,  but really this is just my not very private personal diary).

A part of retaining peace is avoiding chaos but you need to judge chaos to know what to avoid,  well not avoid but avoid being affected by,  and learning not to judge Is not judging other people’s issues to be chaotic,  or right or wrong for anyone,  but to be just so.  To just be.

You see my problem?

It’s not even that I chronically have thought about this,  my mind wanders loosely to it and throws the spanner in the works when it hits the point of confusion.
I don’t dwell on it,  I don’t dwell on much for too long these days and when I catch myself I moved on with my flow, doing what feels right when it feels right.
That bit is learning to let go. 

I’m not writing chronically at the moment. I do it when it comes, letters,  blogs,  poetry,  etc.
Another thing that is just practice,  because it’s not just letting go where I feel I can,  it’s everything,  staying in the moment rather than being stuck in past cycles of behaviour.

I learned over the winter of discontent how Damn good I am at winging it, you know,  thinking on my feet,  well I remembered,  because that’s how I used to be.  I just did the right things and things would go right,  when I say the right thing,  I did my thing.
Just like I’m doing now,  just letting go of judgements,  attachment to past issues,  attachment to people,  ideas,  time,  events,  places.. I’m just doing it because it feels right. It feels like now is right for me (more judgement),  and this all leads a long my path with Reiki too,  something I’m not forcing.

This feels kind of freeing to be honest,  freeing and relaxing.

At the moment I’m trying to learn not to judge.  I don’t stress about it but when I catch myself doing it I stop.  You wouldn’t believe how often most people (including yours truly) automatically judge,  so I don’t manage to catch myself everytime.

I’m finding it most difficult when watching the TV,  funnily enough.  I guess where programmes are created for our entertainment a part of that is Invoking human emotions, so that judge every time.  It draws us in,  it’s basic sense.

It’s human nature to judge.  Back in the cave days if someone stole your food,  or hurt you thus threatening our survival then it would be sense to avoid those people.

Now I’m struggling a little with the boundaries,  because a long side learning this you need to retain a certain level of judgement to realise you’re judging,  and to help keep you away from chaotic people who are locked in the cycle of their very own reality show,  aided by Facebook and Twitter (yes,  I know I use media to express opinions,  but really this is just my not very private personal diary).

A part of retaining peace is avoiding chaos but you need to judge chaos to know what to avoid,  well not avoid but avoid being affected by,  and learning not to judge Is not judging other people’s issues to be chaotic,  or right or wrong for anyone,  but to be just so.  To just be.

You see my problem?

It’s not even that I chronically have thought about this,  my mind wanders loosely to it and throws the spanner in the works when it hits the point of confusion.
I don’t dwell on it,  I don’t dwell on much for too long these days and when I catch myself I moved on with my flow, doing what feels right when it feels right.
That bit is learning to let go. 

I’m not writing chronically at the moment. I do it when it comes, letters,  blogs,  poetry,  etc.
Another thing that is just practice,  because it’s not just letting go where I feel I can,  it’s everything,  staying in the moment rather than being stuck in past cycles of behaviour.

I learned over the winter of discontent how Damn good I am at winging it, you know,  thinking on my feet,  well I remembered,  because that’s how I used to be.  I just did the right things and things would go right,  when I say the right thing,  I did my thing.
Just like I’m doing now,  just letting go of judgements,  attachment to past issues,  attachment to people,  ideas,  time,  events,  places.. I’m just doing it because it feels right. It feels like now is right for me (more judgement),  and this all leads a long my path with Reiki too,  something I’m not forcing.

This feels kind of freeing to be honest,  freeing and relaxing.

Blah

I woke up this morning in quite a good mood,  I had a long day out yesterday so was glad to be at home. Enthusiasm ensued,  and then at somewhere between 4&6pm my mood starting dropping. 
Well something knocked it firmly over,  but in the scheme of things,  in my life it’s not that important,  just my emotions.  Alas I cannot let this rule me and I haven’t been,  even when tipped I’ve balanced out fairly quickly. 

I think and hope it’s a today thing and that tomorrow the spring will return to my step. I think I need to take appropriate measures to bring my mood back around before I go to sleep. 

I kinda came to the conclusion I’ve been bottling some things up recently,  but that’s mainly because I am enjoying having a peaceful life and being honest just seems to ruffle people’s feathers,  even if it’s simply missing them.

I do really miss people at the moment,  I haven’t had the chance to see the people most important to me for a while,  a couple for months. 

You know,  some people say to me they get too busy to miss people,  and then a few agree with me that if you miss someone,  you miss them,  doesn’t matter how busy you are.
I think,  the busier I am the more I miss people because I’m too busy to have a catch up with them,  which means I send them a quick message when I get the opportunity,  or I make the opportunity to let them know I’m thinking of them,  that they are loved,  not because I feel bad or I’m lonely,  just because I love them. 

I know everyone is different and I love diversity,  just every once in a while it’d be cool for some of them to do that.  But they aren’t me,  and that’s why I love them.  I won’t ask people to change its not fair,  I can’t they don’t mean it personally but it still gets me down. 

I think I’m just feeling it and riding it out,  and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Wing Wang

I’m back to that frequent point of not knowing what to write, which we all know is bullwhip because when do I ever run out of things to say or write?  Rarely,  that’s for sure.
So I thought I’d try the approved method of writing and seeing what happens.

At the moment I feel like I’m becoming more focused.  Since the OCD confirmation I’ve realised so much I thought I would never shake is totally treatable and shake-able. 

Life has a funny way of showing you the right thing at the right time.  In November I starting dropping back into out dated mindsets,  I began to battle with the idea that this was how it would always be.  You can only run on evidence you are shown and upon which you can recall.  But I also retained the firm idea that these times don’t last forever,  the Winter would pass and so would the worst of this.  I could never have anticipated finding the last piece to the puzzle.
If were to explain how much has become clear to me over the last two or three weeks we would be here all night.

I feel stronger,  against my own demons and other people’s.  I recognise quite drastic changes in myself,  although the only other person to witness this has been my partner,  who has been super supportive regarding my mental health as always.
I mean,  I’ve told the people who are regularly in my life about it and my slightly surprising response.  They’ve been amazing,  but then,  they always are.  No judgement,  checking up on me (I do them too,  of course,  I don’t do one sided)  and generally being amazing.

Thing is though this doesn’t help the ridding myself of compulsive and obsessive behaviours.  They will go but with time and effort like the rest of this.  I’m trying to figure out if this is a delay to my recovery or is the thing that will in fact speed it up. 
It depends on my own attitude and my wait for treatment.  I’m still going via psychology first because CBT would be a great finisher I think,  although if I start to drop again CBT would be a useful mainstay,  but I just don’t want to get rid of these things without dealing with it all. 
There is no way I’m dropping in the future,  I will always return to being wobbly,  I think,  but I don’t ever have to fall again if I play my cards right.

I have faith in myself to pull off what I need to when I need,  having learned the value of being able to “wing it”.
There’s a use in every sense for being able to think on your feet,  and that’s what I do best,  when weird head shit doesn’t set in. 

You know I have flashbacks still,  but since learning about OCD I’m also recognising triggers and steering the fuck clear of them.  So,  recognising things and thinking on my feet,  really not a bad combo.

When I’m up, I’m up

Oh man,  I’ve had an alright day and a pretty good week all in all,  getting out the house and stuff,  then chilling in the bath before bed,  BAM,  mood drops.  No reason at all.

I’m not in a bad mood now particularly,  but I’m beginning to get frustrated again. Not as much as past times,  but it’s present,  now. The frustration was very prominent to my mood,  but it’s not what made I drop. 
When I’m good frustration is good and can be productive,  creative,  ,  when I’m bad frustration is not so good.

It’s not bad anymore,  just not good at all.  It fuels the harshest end food my insomnia filled with endless energy and an exhausted, frozen brain.

Like I said though,  I’m not bad so I’m not too worried,  worrying about it will make it worse.  I’m trying to just dedicate the thoughts required for monitoring it and keep to other things.

I usually relate the frustration to having nothing happening in my life that is good,  but I do and it’s still there. 

Admittedly it’s partial impatience of more than eight months waiting for psychology,  and just wanting to be well,  better so I can get on with life.

I’m much better than I was,  of course,  I don’t think I’ll be that bad again with the things I’ve taught myself but it’s still not far enough.

I’m pushing myself again,  so,  will keep pushing and get there eventually.

This just seems to be taking for ever now

Status Quo (Not the band)

It feels like over a week since my last post,  and it feels like loads as happened.  I’m certainly exhausted enough for this to be true.

I’ve spent large chunks of time on so many different subjects and such,  it’s been nice but it kinda feel like nothing’s keeping me fully occupied,  from four hour walks to DIY,  from street poetry to social meetings,  all the usual writing I do most days,  I dunno,  stuff I usually lose myself in. 

It’s back to the back of my head stuff,  headaches,  catching myself zoning out,  not being fully present. I have been present Of late but over the last couple of weeks on and off. 

It’s a familiar feeling of frustration with the status quo but I haven’t got the headspace to even begin to entertain it and figure out what’s going on in my poor brain. 

Just gonna crack on and see what happens I guess.

Keep writing,  keep going and keep on it

Dawning

It keeps dawning on me how much clearer my head has been since the start of 2014. I kinda felt I was in this Haze,  I think it was transition,  in many ways.  Too many to list without filling up a few hours,  that’s for sure.

I was so unsure about a lot in 2013 and this year I know exactly what I want and exactly where I’m going.  The path is not so clear to me but that’s no biggie.  The destination is in sight with a load of related fun things going on a long the side.

I mean,  yes I’ve been waiting months and months for psychology,  some people don’t even have access to it at all.  So what I’ve been diagnosed with OCD at least I can account for what I couldn’t account for before.
As I feel the cogs of time moving everything is slotting into place with a clunk!

Last year is honestly a bit of a blur,  I was so confused all the time and the sleep dep was the worst,  it’s still bad but I’m going into overdrive less,  being more relaxed in general,  and being more straightforward with people.  It’s so much easier,  my friends have openly said they like that about me,  and I like that about me. 

I have found my voice once more, I missed it.

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