A May of Grey days

Well,  I obviously haven’t had much to say on here recently, but then my passion has always been writing poetry. I can do it in my sleep, maybe if I could sleep more. Ha!

Today has been a grey day,  in many senses.  The weather has been grey,  literally and remaining in a grey area figuratively in the sense that it’s neither cold,  nor warm,  neither raining or sunny,  and a little bit windy,  not soft enough for a breeze,  not hard enough to actually be said to be windy.

The weather inside the flat has been grey also.  Neither of us are in particularly good or bad moods,  or swaying toward either positive or negative.
The day as an event has not been a boring one or particularly eventful. 
The music we are listening is neither heavy,  nor mellow or ‘soft,  it possesses neither happy elements,  or sad,  or angry. 
So, an altogether grey day all round. 

I miss colour,  I miss having colourful moods,  I miss mellow light blue days and crazy frustrated yellow days, bright green days spent with family and friends going for a walk in the woods, but mostly I miss my multicoloured days,  rainbow days,  stripey days and spotty days.

I miss the colour in my flat,  the colour in my clothes and my hair. 

But mostly, absolutely most of all I miss the colour in my own personality

Cloud nine

I really don’t think I can’t possibly explain in words just how god damn tired I am, other than those I have just used, of course.

As is usual when I’m this tired my mind is tired, my creative mind is awake and partying hard. Words are being processed and strung together in varying structures to create a whole barrage of beautiful lyrics, but as quickly as form the ideas dissipate so I know there is no point in trying to get any sense out of it now. I would just feel like I’m just staying awake for hours writing pages of senseless nonsense.

I’ve been writing a lot of poetry for about the last 5 days, the first day it was flowing out of me. The second and third not so much, fourth was a few and today was one two and a half page poem that I don’t mind saying I’m quite proud of. It will be posted on my poetry page tomorrow, which has picked up a tiny bit more steam as well.

I’m far too tired to consider my mood, other than acknowledging the fact I’ve been as high as the clouds for the past 5 days (considering I’m already on the ninth floor).

That’s about it for now, see you on cloud 22.

The misplacing of the front door

It’s Friday. We were supposed to go to the V&A today for a day out. Needless to say that didn’t happen.
I feel quite disappointed with myself but I think I’m too tired to care. So I don’t feel too bad at this moment in time.

I think that’s a lot to do with buying ny new tablet this week.
I got one for Christmas this year, just an under £100 jobby, and the charger connector broke with days, I’m sure it was days, it felt like days. Definitely no longer than a week. So I’m trying again.
I’ve waited so long to get a new one for several reasons, money, issues with things that break (emotional issues ( I know, that’s lame)).
And now I’m ready to write again.

I can’t wait.

A day at the Races

Here we meet again, in the early hours of a warm Wednesday in Spring.
A large section of the rest of the occupants of Greenwich Meantime are tucked up in their beds sleeping, and here I am tucked up in my wonderful bed, wide awake with a racing mind and heart (not racing each other, I hope).

I haven’t got a right lot to say today so it’ll be a short one.
I have been writing, only relating to my emotions, but writing none the less.

I’m having Wednesday out of doors for a change this week. I’m going to my cousin’s house, a destination I don’t struggle to travel to as much as most.
I still struggle, but the visit is always pleasant so I the travel is the only struggle, and well he’s like L’Oreal – he’s worth it.

I will check in for a longer rant soon, but for now TTFN – Ta Ta for now.

Vroom vroom..putt, putt.(&the history of The Bridge)

Today I just can not get my engine going. I’m determined to get some writing done. Nothing for practice, but for emotional release.
I’m going to try and sit for a while and write about what’s been bothering me recently.
It’s so difficult to find time though, around basic housework that needs to be done. It’s like my mind is fighting my attempts at some order & routine, like it always does. But I try my best to fight through, so the house does not descend into chaos, resembling my general mind state. But then, as usual it’s not as bad as it was two years ago.

Two years ago I lived in a flat that I felt very unsafe in. My partner and I were in receipt of pointless and childish homophobic abuse. We were on edge 24/7 after the kids (yes, kids) smashed our window.
It’s only kids right? Wrong! With an adult you can at least try to talk to them. Children who are already if that bullying mentality hear no-one aside from their peers.

We contacted the police and although they weren’t completely useless no good came out of our suffering, nothing was actually done about this.

There were incidents where we would call the police, as they said we should EVERY TIME something happened.
At first we did just that, but after months of a call back at least 4 days after the event & then a week of hassle from them to get an interview in while the event was still fresh, because they had to get it sorted within a time period but waited to contact us.
At one point we received a call two weeks after we called them, the local police base. Not station, we don’t have them anymore.
Well, anyway we received this call at about 9pm just as we were exiting St Thomas’ hospital in Waterloo where my Partner’s dad was an inpatient for a month. The minute the phone was answered we were being pestered into letting them come round that night after 11pm when we got in. My lady was distraught. She was so worried about her dad and we were both in much worse state than we are even now. We struggled with getting out the house just as much as we do now, so heading up to the city was a huge event for us. There was no way we were having them round & risk both of us being so anxious we didn’t sleep that night, and maybe the next.
Most of the whole experience was made up of examples the same or similar to this, that’s ofcourse if the Police bothered contacting us at all.

I’m telling you all of this because today I found out my old flat is finally in the process if being demolished. The flat where all of this happened. We were such a mess by the time we left.
We were told we had to be out over a year ago, we were convinced at some point that the building would be demolished with us in it.
We were the last residents out of at 62 flats and houses, it was like living in a ghost building.
There were squatters, thieving shits that scared the shit out of us, blocked up fire exits, and squatters that we heard being deliberately blocked in a flat. The fire service had to come and get them out. We called them, no one else was around & they would have been left there if we hadn’t heard them banging.

All I can think, remembering all of this is how much disbelief I am in when I think about just how much shit happened in the three very long years Kat lived there ( I moved in half way through, officially).
My life is so different now, I’m still not at all well, as is the same with my partner. But we feel safe, which is such a great basis for our recovery.

We stuck it out, and here we are.

So today I will ponder on this, a positive outcome. I will try while I go about the usual bits & bobs of the mind numbing samesness.

The light switch has been found

Ok, so today I woke up with a clearer head than I have done for a couple of weeks.
My lady was in a pretty negative mood when I woke up, and I guess that pushed me into attempting to end it for both of us (the negativity).

So we are planning to head to an exhibition on a favourite 60′s-present musician of ours on Friday.
There is a bank holiday weekend approaching, and most of the bank holidays since we have been together have been spent in doors watching people outside have fun. For various reasons, the crowds, the sun hurting my eyes, the feeling that we look & act completely alien to most around us (which even if/when it isn’t true is still a horribly strong feeling, it takes you over).

My partner is also heading to her sister’s on Wednesday so I will either take advantage of a day in the house by myself (not always advisable if my brain is torturing me) or head to my cousins. Depending on which I can handle the most really.

It’s so difficult making yourself do these thibgs when you know how much they tire you, controlling your moods, keeping an eye on what your body is telling you without letting it knock you for six, like anxiety, or hunger that turns into headaches & extreme hypervigilance!

But alas, I will keep trying, like I said & hope this Friday is enough of a break & distraction to take us out of own heads, & not too much of a stressful & volatile experience to push up back up in them.

For now though, I bid thew farewell!

Run, forest!

Ok, so it ten to six in the morning and I’m slowly approaching the hour of the day that my brain starts considering the reality of my ability to be awake in the day. Alongside the reality of everything else in my life.
The hour of despair approaches.

So, how do I acknowledge this? With a cup of tea, a reefer & an episode of the Simpson’s. A stinking combination designed to dull the senses, including my common sense, my sense of humility and my sense of self worth.

It’s times like these that I think about those I love, and wonder what the fuck happened to them all.
In lonely hours what is there to dawn on you other than how lonely you feel?

But then, I have felt lonelier. So much more lonely.

I just want to feel like there is something in the future. I try to remember my writing and my plans, but that’s very difficult when you can’t get past your anxieties to actually sit down and write something that counts.

That’s what I want to do, when I have my moments of clarity. I have ideas, I do wrote them down sometimes but I have so many ideas that I feel like it would just be another load of ideas that don’t go anywhere.

I’m just going to go back to the drawing board ’til I first find out where I’m going, how the Hell. I’m going to get there and then eventually, I WILL get there!