Learning to not judge

At the moment I’m trying to learn not to judge.  I don’t stress about it but when I catch myself doing it I stop.  You wouldn’t believe how often most people (including yours truly) automatically judge,  so I don’t manage to catch myself everytime.

I’m finding it most difficult when watching the TV,  funnily enough.  I guess where programmes are created for our entertainment a part of that is Invoking human emotions, so that judge every time.  It draws us in,  it’s basic sense.

It’s human nature to judge.  Back in the cave days if someone stole your food,  or hurt you thus threatening our survival then it would be sense to avoid those people.

Now I’m struggling a little with the boundaries,  because a long side learning this you need to retain a certain level of judgement to realise you’re judging,  and to help keep you away from chaotic people who are locked in the cycle of their very own reality show,  aided by Facebook and Twitter (yes,  I know I use media to express opinions,  but really this is just my not very private personal diary).

A part of retaining peace is avoiding chaos but you need to judge chaos to know what to avoid,  well not avoid but avoid being affected by,  and learning not to judge Is not judging other people’s issues to be chaotic,  or right or wrong for anyone,  but to be just so.  To just be.

You see my problem?

It’s not even that I chronically have thought about this,  my mind wanders loosely to it and throws the spanner in the works when it hits the point of confusion.
I don’t dwell on it,  I don’t dwell on much for too long these days and when I catch myself I moved on with my flow, doing what feels right when it feels right.
That bit is learning to let go. 

I’m not writing chronically at the moment. I do it when it comes, letters,  blogs,  poetry,  etc.
Another thing that is just practice,  because it’s not just letting go where I feel I can,  it’s everything,  staying in the moment rather than being stuck in past cycles of behaviour.

I learned over the winter of discontent how Damn good I am at winging it, you know,  thinking on my feet,  well I remembered,  because that’s how I used to be.  I just did the right things and things would go right,  when I say the right thing,  I did my thing.
Just like I’m doing now,  just letting go of judgements,  attachment to past issues,  attachment to people,  ideas,  time,  events,  places.. I’m just doing it because it feels right. It feels like now is right for me (more judgement),  and this all leads a long my path with Reiki too,  something I’m not forcing.

This feels kind of freeing to be honest,  freeing and relaxing.

At the moment I’m trying to learn not to judge.  I don’t stress about it but when I catch myself doing it I stop.  You wouldn’t believe how often most people (including yours truly) automatically judge,  so I don’t manage to catch myself everytime.

I’m finding it most difficult when watching the TV,  funnily enough.  I guess where programmes are created for our entertainment a part of that is Invoking human emotions, so that judge every time.  It draws us in,  it’s basic sense.

It’s human nature to judge.  Back in the cave days if someone stole your food,  or hurt you thus threatening our survival then it would be sense to avoid those people.

Now I’m struggling a little with the boundaries,  because a long side learning this you need to retain a certain level of judgement to realise you’re judging,  and to help keep you away from chaotic people who are locked in the cycle of their very own reality show,  aided by Facebook and Twitter (yes,  I know I use media to express opinions,  but really this is just my not very private personal diary).

A part of retaining peace is avoiding chaos but you need to judge chaos to know what to avoid,  well not avoid but avoid being affected by,  and learning not to judge Is not judging other people’s issues to be chaotic,  or right or wrong for anyone,  but to be just so.  To just be.

You see my problem?

It’s not even that I chronically have thought about this,  my mind wanders loosely to it and throws the spanner in the works when it hits the point of confusion.
I don’t dwell on it,  I don’t dwell on much for too long these days and when I catch myself I moved on with my flow, doing what feels right when it feels right.
That bit is learning to let go. 

I’m not writing chronically at the moment. I do it when it comes, letters,  blogs,  poetry,  etc.
Another thing that is just practice,  because it’s not just letting go where I feel I can,  it’s everything,  staying in the moment rather than being stuck in past cycles of behaviour.

I learned over the winter of discontent how Damn good I am at winging it, you know,  thinking on my feet,  well I remembered,  because that’s how I used to be.  I just did the right things and things would go right,  when I say the right thing,  I did my thing.
Just like I’m doing now,  just letting go of judgements,  attachment to past issues,  attachment to people,  ideas,  time,  events,  places.. I’m just doing it because it feels right. It feels like now is right for me (more judgement),  and this all leads a long my path with Reiki too,  something I’m not forcing.

This feels kind of freeing to be honest,  freeing and relaxing.

Blah

I woke up this morning in quite a good mood,  I had a long day out yesterday so was glad to be at home. Enthusiasm ensued,  and then at somewhere between 4&6pm my mood starting dropping. 
Well something knocked it firmly over,  but in the scheme of things,  in my life it’s not that important,  just my emotions.  Alas I cannot let this rule me and I haven’t been,  even when tipped I’ve balanced out fairly quickly. 

I think and hope it’s a today thing and that tomorrow the spring will return to my step. I think I need to take appropriate measures to bring my mood back around before I go to sleep. 

I kinda came to the conclusion I’ve been bottling some things up recently,  but that’s mainly because I am enjoying having a peaceful life and being honest just seems to ruffle people’s feathers,  even if it’s simply missing them.

I do really miss people at the moment,  I haven’t had the chance to see the people most important to me for a while,  a couple for months. 

You know,  some people say to me they get too busy to miss people,  and then a few agree with me that if you miss someone,  you miss them,  doesn’t matter how busy you are.
I think,  the busier I am the more I miss people because I’m too busy to have a catch up with them,  which means I send them a quick message when I get the opportunity,  or I make the opportunity to let them know I’m thinking of them,  that they are loved,  not because I feel bad or I’m lonely,  just because I love them. 

I know everyone is different and I love diversity,  just every once in a while it’d be cool for some of them to do that.  But they aren’t me,  and that’s why I love them.  I won’t ask people to change its not fair,  I can’t they don’t mean it personally but it still gets me down. 

I think I’m just feeling it and riding it out,  and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Wing Wang

I’m back to that frequent point of not knowing what to write, which we all know is bullwhip because when do I ever run out of things to say or write?  Rarely,  that’s for sure.
So I thought I’d try the approved method of writing and seeing what happens.

At the moment I feel like I’m becoming more focused.  Since the OCD confirmation I’ve realised so much I thought I would never shake is totally treatable and shake-able. 

Life has a funny way of showing you the right thing at the right time.  In November I starting dropping back into out dated mindsets,  I began to battle with the idea that this was how it would always be.  You can only run on evidence you are shown and upon which you can recall.  But I also retained the firm idea that these times don’t last forever,  the Winter would pass and so would the worst of this.  I could never have anticipated finding the last piece to the puzzle.
If were to explain how much has become clear to me over the last two or three weeks we would be here all night.

I feel stronger,  against my own demons and other people’s.  I recognise quite drastic changes in myself,  although the only other person to witness this has been my partner,  who has been super supportive regarding my mental health as always.
I mean,  I’ve told the people who are regularly in my life about it and my slightly surprising response.  They’ve been amazing,  but then,  they always are.  No judgement,  checking up on me (I do them too,  of course,  I don’t do one sided)  and generally being amazing.

Thing is though this doesn’t help the ridding myself of compulsive and obsessive behaviours.  They will go but with time and effort like the rest of this.  I’m trying to figure out if this is a delay to my recovery or is the thing that will in fact speed it up. 
It depends on my own attitude and my wait for treatment.  I’m still going via psychology first because CBT would be a great finisher I think,  although if I start to drop again CBT would be a useful mainstay,  but I just don’t want to get rid of these things without dealing with it all. 
There is no way I’m dropping in the future,  I will always return to being wobbly,  I think,  but I don’t ever have to fall again if I play my cards right.

I have faith in myself to pull off what I need to when I need,  having learned the value of being able to “wing it”.
There’s a use in every sense for being able to think on your feet,  and that’s what I do best,  when weird head shit doesn’t set in. 

You know I have flashbacks still,  but since learning about OCD I’m also recognising triggers and steering the fuck clear of them.  So,  recognising things and thinking on my feet,  really not a bad combo.

When I’m up, I’m up

Oh man,  I’ve had an alright day and a pretty good week all in all,  getting out the house and stuff,  then chilling in the bath before bed,  BAM,  mood drops.  No reason at all.

I’m not in a bad mood now particularly,  but I’m beginning to get frustrated again. Not as much as past times,  but it’s present,  now. The frustration was very prominent to my mood,  but it’s not what made I drop. 
When I’m good frustration is good and can be productive,  creative,  ,  when I’m bad frustration is not so good.

It’s not bad anymore,  just not good at all.  It fuels the harshest end food my insomnia filled with endless energy and an exhausted, frozen brain.

Like I said though,  I’m not bad so I’m not too worried,  worrying about it will make it worse.  I’m trying to just dedicate the thoughts required for monitoring it and keep to other things.

I usually relate the frustration to having nothing happening in my life that is good,  but I do and it’s still there. 

Admittedly it’s partial impatience of more than eight months waiting for psychology,  and just wanting to be well,  better so I can get on with life.

I’m much better than I was,  of course,  I don’t think I’ll be that bad again with the things I’ve taught myself but it’s still not far enough.

I’m pushing myself again,  so,  will keep pushing and get there eventually.

This just seems to be taking for ever now

Status Quo (Not the band)

It feels like over a week since my last post,  and it feels like loads as happened.  I’m certainly exhausted enough for this to be true.

I’ve spent large chunks of time on so many different subjects and such,  it’s been nice but it kinda feel like nothing’s keeping me fully occupied,  from four hour walks to DIY,  from street poetry to social meetings,  all the usual writing I do most days,  I dunno,  stuff I usually lose myself in. 

It’s back to the back of my head stuff,  headaches,  catching myself zoning out,  not being fully present. I have been present Of late but over the last couple of weeks on and off. 

It’s a familiar feeling of frustration with the status quo but I haven’t got the headspace to even begin to entertain it and figure out what’s going on in my poor brain. 

Just gonna crack on and see what happens I guess.

Keep writing,  keep going and keep on it

Dawning

It keeps dawning on me how much clearer my head has been since the start of 2014. I kinda felt I was in this Haze,  I think it was transition,  in many ways.  Too many to list without filling up a few hours,  that’s for sure.

I was so unsure about a lot in 2013 and this year I know exactly what I want and exactly where I’m going.  The path is not so clear to me but that’s no biggie.  The destination is in sight with a load of related fun things going on a long the side.

I mean,  yes I’ve been waiting months and months for psychology,  some people don’t even have access to it at all.  So what I’ve been diagnosed with OCD at least I can account for what I couldn’t account for before.
As I feel the cogs of time moving everything is slotting into place with a clunk!

Last year is honestly a bit of a blur,  I was so confused all the time and the sleep dep was the worst,  it’s still bad but I’m going into overdrive less,  being more relaxed in general,  and being more straightforward with people.  It’s so much easier,  my friends have openly said they like that about me,  and I like that about me. 

I have found my voice once more, I missed it.

Friendship

This extra one is regarding thoughts about people in my life.

At every stage I’ve had to let people fade out of my life.  A large number of people,  for various reasons.  Mostly because of my changing self.  People don’t look beyond the me they got to know basically,  I mean that not a bad thing,  it’s just life,  it gets in the way. 
People don’t seem to see me fading away until it’s too late. I don’t get bored with people,  I love who I love and some will always be with me.  I grow bored of being frustrated with people.  Who doesn’t? Most people don’t let go though.  When sometimes that’s all you can do.

Sometimes the severe is needed,  the drift for closure so you can both move onto being around people who truly represent both your intention and your life. You may not be who you hang with,  but the less determined will think like their counterparts after time,  even the most determined stop speaking up to things they disagree with to avoid being the but of jokes,  and centre of negative attention. Those people who are happy to hang with people who make them feel weaker and a lesser person,  when your friends are the very ones who empower you. 
Yes,  humour may be had but laughing together is another matter. 

The time is due that I only surround myself with those who empower me and don’t make me feel weak.  People who inspire me and whom,  in turn I inspire.  You know,  friendships with a fundamental connection with every word,  said or otherwise.
I bet someone reads this one day and believes this to be unattainable as I once did.

It’s not though,  this is what friendship can be,  it’s what it should be.

This week

This week I have been coming to terms with OCD Me,  and how it will affect my life. 
Well,  I’ve decided nothings really going to change for the worse now,  is it?

As I’ve been coming to terms with it I’ve realised just how much I display OCD in particular things I’ve done all my life,  simple nervous ticks.  Nothing many people would pick up on,  it just makes me remember how many people lives with things like that and don’t ever realise they don’t have to. 

It does mean CBT is essential,  something I always decided would be my last post of call regarding therapy.  Now I know it’s a definite. 

Now I can’t have it yet for a number of reasons,  some my informed opinion regards my recovery,  others relating to limited funding
I am currently waiting on see a psychologist,  if I ask for a referral of CBT it will cancel my referral for psychology, ridiculous, right? Considering I could probably be in and out of CBT by now in the 6-8 months since my initial referral.

Alas,  this is not the end of the world and I only just found out about my OCD.  Anyway,  this is not a subject I wish to dedicate my entire post to,  so moving on.

This week has been interesting,  to say the least. Two separate broken bridges to my little island have been mended and are currently being rebuilt. 
I’m booked onto a college course in April.  I made a new friend. 
I’ve spent today buried in my street poetry as an attempt to distract my overly active mind.  I gained a penpal and some stark realisations (I seem to have a lot of them)  that some people in my life will not be here for the long haul,  but not in a bad sense. Just in the sense that I guess I view people with rose tinted spectacles,  not everyone,  but a few I believe to be as awesome as when we first become friends. Apparently not everyone continues the effort,  what it is with that?
I make the most effort for my closest and longest relationships always.  The people I never want to doubt that I love them,  in moments where they may feel most alone.  So I attempt to make it clear.

Tomorrow I intend to go with the flow,  then I have plans to execute on Monday night.  I’m enjoying this at the moment,  this whole life thing,  I’ve got a good feeling about where it is taking me.

Just gotta have faith and leap into tacking this OCD malarkey,  it’s gonna be a hard one.  But I will get past it,  just like everything else

I found this…

From a skim over the net,  regarding my last post,  all through the journey and the years,  I’ve always returned to the point that life is so fucking beautiful,  people are beautiful,  poetry,  art,  music,  blue eyes,  all fucking stunningly beautiful

image

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