Anger has fueled some of best decisions and what others would consider worst mistakes.
I am angry. I am angry about life being on a stand still, I am angry about the contradiction of my behaviour when I care deeply or even love someone, my lack of sleep, my patience for those who show me none, my impatience for those who show me it all, oh man.
I am angry about my childhood, angry that I can’t have a relationship with mum which subsequently has inhibited every relationship or friendship I’ve ever had with a woman, I’m angry at myself for being angry, I’m angry that I deep down under all the hope peddling I see no hope in my own future or present, I am angry that I have the ability to reason most things out in my head but I still get angry.
I get annoyed when people use my ideas, then angry at myself for that because there’s no greater compliment than someone thinking your ideas are good enough to use, I am angry at the need and desire to be social being over ruled by my trigger setting, I’m angry at the status quo, that we can’t all just tell each other how we feel about each other and be done with it, all know exactly where we stand, how lovely would that be?
I’m angry I don’t know where I stand, with people, poetry, street poetry, art, collaborations, music, love, desires. The shit bit is I do know where I stand but where I stand changes frequently because I continually take in more information. It’s not that I’m not sure, I’m always sure, I just take everything on board and adapt. I need to, otherwise I just get angry at myself.
I’m angry most of all because actually I’m not that Angry. The anger comes from frustration, I’m frustrated because I’m not challenged. I’m angry because when I am challenged I have to spend a stupidly large amount of time reassuring myself I’m not too dumb, or callous, or distracted, or stupid or whatever to rise to said challenge, especially as I know I am. It’s all feelings that bring me down, fucking bullshit feelings.
I’m angry because I adore my emotions, but why must it be all the time that they genuinely hinder me, or my progress.
Feelings of shame and guilt, and generally just like I’m a useless pile of crap just jump up and create huge road blocks to my path.
I’m angry at two people who know I feel like this involved in my physical day to day life make me feel worse. That’s anger at myself for letting them and them for not managing to retain a bit more patience with me.
The way I am you see, in my day to day life is switching back to the way it used to be at times where I just don’t bother being honest about my mood or mental state because I’m made to feel it’s a negative point when being honest is what got me this far. That they push me to be honest but aren’t themselves, and don’t have time to listen to me. I’m angry because I don’t need time for them to listen to me but if I’m not honest my actions and words are continually mistaken for something they are not. Yet I have been acknowledged as pinpointing mood switches and reasons in them both, and then I’m annoyed at myself for that too.
I am angry at my open heart and my inability to shelter it properly or open it properly. I let people in, freak out that they can hurt me (usually realising afterwards) and pull back, or cut them off, or ridicule myself. Not completely, not like it used to be. It’s not a thought process anymore, it’s that feeling. The memory in my body that EMDR will break up and set free. That retained physical tension and reaction from deep within my brain. The limbic system.
I am just plain old frustrated and angry. Just under my ribcage, that thing I call the burning, because technically speaking it is. Anxiety induced raging stomach acid hitting the stomach walls, creating a burning sensation that gradually heats my chest and sends out warmth to my limbs.
The fire that seems to travel up my spine to the base of my skull (through the vagus nerve) creating tension in the back of my skull, pain in my eyes and a little in my ears, heightening my sight, smell and hearing because the muscles involved using those senses are tense and alert the combination of which creates a sense of urgency. Anxiety related behaviour when I don’t actually get anxious, hence the title “Anxiety Disorder”.
My anger quite literally comes from anxiety, infact most does in most people, because of this reaction.
I am angry, but only because I’m so anxious, I’m only anxious because my body makes me that way. I have little to no control over my reactions to things.
Saying that I’m a lot better than I used to be. Now it tends to be less anger, more childish strops.
And it’s all based in fear, not fear as an adult, fear of a child. Not of people physically hurting me, I think I subconsciously worked out so young so I could defend myself… But emotionally I’m so open. I seem unable to find a suitable balance between being a little careful with my heart and plain blocking people out. I will never deny myself the right to love, when I feel like I’ve got nothing left that is what I have, love. My love, me loving other people. That’s what life’s about.
I’m angry I can’t love in anyway but naively with rose tinted spectacles and romance and the notion that nothing can get in the way of love.
It can though, can’t it? So much can get in the way of love.. A list as long as the abovementioned.
I want to love, so why don’t I openly? I’m unsure how words would be received and have obviously fallen into a pattern of avoidance regarding triggers. Rejection, massive trigger.
Yeah, that would make sense.