The thirteenth of October, the ever repetitive date to remind me my fuck up brother was even born.
Also the date that shows me within the next two weeks my body is going to start reacting to my the sexual abuse/rape in my history. It’s not all flashbacks, it’s frustration, restlessness, the need to up & go (I haven’t let that overtake since 2003 so I doubt I’ll be actually upping and going anywhere), fucked stomach acid, blah, blah .. I’m not exactly anticipating this, I’m not waiting for it to happen, this is when I become aware because I have to, so that when stuff happens I’m not reacting from impulse, but able to deal with it.
I think it’s simply that 6 months (give it take) of both physical and sexual abuse was too much for my nine year old brain to cope with, it just made it all worse.
So, this is the time I realise I need to start writing about it, like I usually do, but this time I’m going to have to include details as therapy is happening at the same time. It’s gonna be difficult, I think there’s still elements of a lot of shame in there, probably the only left in me, to be fair.
I don’t really know that I’ll write much on here, I always feel like it’s stuff other people shouldn’t have to have an image of, I forget though that not everyone gets vivid mental images of things explained to them, a mix of my wild imagination and PTSD elements that would require a relatively lengthy explanation.
I have been a lot better each year this has come, I have entered into this with a whole new mindset, which I thought would reduce it/change it, now I’m not so sure. I mean, I can handle it all, of course I can, I do what I have to, I’d just hoped it would be different this year. I just have to remember that the element of EMDR is what WILL make the difference.
I was sort of dreading this, mixed with EMDR and my present living situation, however I’m beginning to think that as long as I allow myself appropriate time to see out the flashback at the time, after therapy, then the fact I have to be on the go and seeing so many people at the moment isn’t a bad thing. It’s kinda exhausting not always knowing where you’ll be for the next seven days, but it’s keeping me in high spirits and around the people I feel safe around. Infact there is no one I talk to in my every day life that I don’t feel as safe with as I actually can be. That’s what matters. You know, I’ve moved around so much I think essentially a home is just a house to me, mostly, however my home is with the people I love, where ever they may be. That kind of stability nobody can take from you, knowing those few people are out there just loving you, that’s what it’s about, isn’t it?
I can’t help but be sad on this day, but even that’s okay. I used to be sad all the time until I gave myself a date, a begin date, end date and a date to be sad, grieving is an essential part of any loss, and this is half of my current life that I lost.
So today, I’m just going to be and not worry about Dragging myself out of a hole, that really, I’m not in.
I always say it’s okay to have a bad day, and even then it’s not a bad day for many reasons.
Under the anger I feel sorry for my brother because his head must be so fucked up, and it must have been so fucked up, for so very long. My head was that fucked up, I just took it out on myself more than other people, and I’ve hurt people, nothing like that, but I have hurt people and carried that guilt and self loathing for doing it, because you act out of guilt all the time, guilt and shame instilled in you by life… I don’t have that kinda guilt and shame anymore.. I figured not only have I punished myself for years, other people did too so why fuckibg drag it out and keep putting myself through it? It’s that guilt and shame that results in others misunderstand your actions, I couldn’t deal with the way it wasn’t me being displayed .. I think I stopped caring what others thought when I began acting true to myself in every day life, and these days most people see me and my approach clearly, and if they don’t, and I’ve just been myself, what can I do about it? Not everyone in life will be your fan, it matters mostly what people you love understand from you, even then things are misconstrued but at least it’s not seen as me just being an idiot, or a dick or an absolute c**t when I honestly don’t have this in me. I don’t and I’m glad of this. I can act like a dick, of course, I’m certainly nowhere near perfect, but my actions aren’t misunderstood.
Not that the guilt & shame stopped overnight, and of course, I still have elements of it, I’m not a fucking miracle worker or a psychotherapist, I could only do so much on my own, the deep seated stuff I can’t necessarily access safely, so I didn’t. It doesn’t display itself like it used to though, everything I would unblock I did, and have, and continue to do so.
To be fair, I think I’m going to be ranting through out the day, I don’t mind feeling shit today but I’m certainly not carrying it through to tomorrow, if I can vent it all.
I don’t allow myself to end on a negative note really, but fuck it.. I’m only human, plus (I don’t care if this “too much information” for anyone) I came on this morning, so the two are combined. I’ve got shit to do anyway, I’ll just breeze through that.
Just occasionally LIFE CAN GO FUCK ITSELF!!!! That’s both middle fingers waved in the air, followed by fist shakes and a whole load of swearing and shouting like a nutcase.
Fuck it, right?!